Tuesday, April 05, 2016

Looking Back...

The older I get and the more young magicians I meet, the more I want to slap them around a bit and tell them to look into magicians and magic from more than 5 years ago. I understand many people are victims of the times in which they live but to assume that some of the current "magicians" out there know what the fuck they are talking about is just silly.

I even know that the serious students will look further back and they are the ones who will succeed but someone needs to tell these kids to look back past the internet.

Keep yo pimp hand strong....

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Awfully crowded...

Dear Magicians,

Crowdfunding websites like Indiegogo and Kickstarter are not there for you to use as your own personal street corner to panhandle on. Don't ask people to pay your trivial medical bills, rent, or get new props. Unless you have a million Twitter followers no one is going to care nor take you seriously. (If you have that many Twitter followers you likely wouldn't need that stuff anyway)


The Mngmnt.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016


Have you ever seen a performer on stage doing a card trick and had trouble seeing the selected card? Perhaps in a photo or video of your own performance? Well if you can’t see it, then neither can anyone else.

Even Zombies know the importance of Jumbo Index

I have no idea why some magicians have such a disdain for jumbo index playing cards. Actually that’s not true. I know some think they look “tricky” or unfamiliar. However if you happen to use any kind of vanity deck that argument goes right out the window.

It’s fine if you don’t want to use them for close-up. However, have you ever tried to identify a court card from a distance? It’s damn near impossible. 

When you are onstage it’s very important for things to be clear, especially if you are doing card tricks. There are simple things that may seem small but make a HUGE difference. Having the card signed with a red chisel tip marker, the way you force the card (if you do that), and having a deck of cards that is visible to everyone in the room. Some of your audience will likely need glasses or have them.It's your job to make sure that these tiny but important details are thought of and implemented for the sake of your audience.

Don't fear the reaper Ted...

Saturday, February 13, 2016

The little easy...

Sorry for my absence as of late. I haven't really been that angry at anything in the magic scene.... at least not enough to write about. There is plenty of regular asshattery but I have just grown numb to it.

 This is what everyday on the Cafe looks like

So in lieu of angst I will offer up some advice. As someone who has been doing stage magic since before some of you were born, let me dole out this brain dripping: Make Things Easy On Yourself!
I have learned the hard way that if it happens once it can and WILL happen again. Fix it before the next show or it might bite you in the... well... you know ^...

Everything needs to flow as seamlessly as it can. This way you don't have to worry about something falling, not being in the right spot, or moving from it's (possibly secret) location. When you know you don't have to worry about things falling to pieces you can focus on your performance which is the more important part.

So if it needs a magnet, hook, velcro, ring of hot glue to keep it from rolling off the table, felt, fishing hooks, snap gums, broken popsicle stick, tampon applicator, whatever... then make it happen.

You'll be glad you did.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

You are just a tool...

Dear Magic Creators,

A magic company will defend you only so long as you are valuable to them. The moment you are not a cash cow, they move on to the next slaughter. Don't let it go to your head. It's the same in every business.

A companies sole reason to exist is to make money. Don't fool yourselves into thinking they are "helping you" or anyone else other than themselves because they are "kindhearted". The only thing they care about is filling their coffers.

Keep that in mind when you fill the market with your brain poop.

The Mngmnt.

"Everyone is so fake when they shake you hand, and they kiss your ass 'cause then they get cash" - Reel Big Fish

Saturday, December 05, 2015

The definition of insanity...

I was reading an article about the OODA Loop, (A theory that pertains to many things including magic), and in it there was a talk about the 2nd law of Thermodynamics". While technically this refers to mechanics and whatnot, it can also be applied to people. For you lazt bastards who don't want to read it, here is a line that jumped out at me: "The more we rely on outdated mental models even while the world around us is changing, the more our mental “entropy” goes up."

Doesn't that sound a lot like most of the magicians we know?

Magic doesn't like to evolve with the times. To be fair humans in general resist swift change but we are one, if not many, decades behind the times. We have jumped ahead a bit here and there with the advent of the internet, but let's face it, we are still giving people books printed in the 30s and 40s back when tricks were titled "To magically procure a selected card from a borrowed gentleman's bowler hat". 

In some cases, magic is collapsing in on itself because they believe circling the wagons is the best option. The SAM, IBM, Magic Castle and even forums like the big soylent green refuse to look at the world around us and accept there might be people who view entertainment different from them.

Don't agree with me? Here is another bit of text from that article...

"Individuals or organizations that don’t communicate with the outside world by getting new information about the environment or by creating new mental models act like a “closed system.” And just as a closed system in nature will have increasing entropy, or disorder, so too will a person or organization experience mental entropy or disorder if they’re cut off from the outside world and new information."
 Now if that doesn't sound like a bunch of old white men with decks of cards I don't know what does.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Battle Damage...

I want to share something with you guys that I have been telling others about for a while now. Usually I spill this news to the younger generation when one of the old guard does something so profoundly and unfathomably stupid or asshole-o-rific(tm), that the aforementioned youngster just cant wrap their head around it all.  

The entertainment business is populated with damaged people.

Now I am sure a handful of you reading this will be like "Well duh Bizzaro. You haven't written anything in a long time and THIS is what you come back at us with?"

This nugget of wisdom is not for you smart ass. It's for the beginners and youngsters who might stumble upon my words and have not experienced this oh so joyous part of our business.

The rest of you meet me at camera 3.... 

Ok guys look. For some reason people with some major deep seated issues are drawn to the ascertainment business. (Mind you they are different issues than the ones that draw damaged people to become cops but that is besides the point.) They either weren't hugged enough as a child... or hugged TOO much. They seek power, fame, money, and many other forms of acceptance or adoration they never had in their life before. Whatever the reason, if they do or say something crazy to/at you, it's not your fault. Just take a deep breath and repeat after me...

"They're just a magician. They can't help that they're damaged." (This also tends to work in relationships too but there is a litany of other factors to that one.)

So chin up young bucks and buckettes. If some 50 year old finger flinger you once respected has cock blocked you from releasing a DVD because they think they own snack food, it's on them. If they make a YouTube video about something you posted and it sounds insane, chances are it is and you should just repeat our above mantra.

For every batshit entertainer out there, there is another one who is cool and fun to hang out with. Seek those people out instead and you will be much happier.

 Just remember to keep the popcorn handy