Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Quothe the Raven.. eat my shorts!!!!

I have one question for you dove workers... why? I mean just because Channing Pollock did it, and did it so well, what makes you think you can? What if he had produced, say.. beavers. Wow beaver magic would be HUGE in Vegas. (The magic beaver jokes are already pouring in.) Let's look at some of the best dove people working today. James Dimmare. His style is second to none. Lance Shimada er.. Burton. Friendly personality. Joseph Gabriel, um... he does a neat thing with a balloon.

Let me tell you a quote that I live by.. if I can find.. the damn.. notes.. hold on. (jeopardy music plays) Ah there it is.. Comes Directly from the hard to find and very rare Rudy Coby Lecture Notes. "Any magician can get applause by pulling a live bird out of a dove pan. Doesn't matter how bad he is... an audience will always respond to a live animal. This is Cheap Applause." Now think about that.. how many times have you seen someone produce an animal and think to yerself "Oh that was soooo obvious!" It is, but people still clap for the animal. Not the effect or the performer. Wouldn't it be more fulfilling if that was all for you and not some dumb animal that could easily be shoved ina blender or a wood chipper? (The SPCA hates me I swear)

Gee guess that means you'll have to work on yer personality more. Good luck. Make that a new years resolution!!!


Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Magic, magic, Ninja's whut?!

Why no posts you ask? Well I was in CA and Vegas. So here is my report of the magical happenings I went thru and you get to listen to it.. or not. There is always that little X button in the top right of yer window. However if you use it, I have programmed a shock device that will electrocute you if the window is closed too early.. so enjoy.

All of the prestidigi-etc etc went down in LA. (not Louisiana.) Went to Dean Dill's Magic and Barber shop. He is the inventor of Dean's Box and it's a freeking fooler. Saw it live. Egads that man can do shadow coins like a mofo.

Then we traversed to Hollywood Magic and met the manager Jeff (Nice guy) and someone else who's name escapes me right now. However I did my PNJ ard steal (No palm cards to pocket) and fooled the hell out of him. That made me happy. Mischief was a sneeky fooker and bought me a DVD. Andrew Mayne's "Shock FX". Interesting stuff, but the most useful is how to shove a pen thru yer cheek. Ah good times but he is not a jedi yet.

I will say the trip was good for me creativity wise. Came up with many new ideas for my stand up parlour/ comedy act. Enough about me.. you don't care about that right? You want to hear about my Magic Castle Experience do you not? Well everything they say about it is true. It is a grand place and if yer in LA and over 21 I suggest suckering yer way into it like we did. We saw the shows. Aaron Fisher (Chugging a bottle of Hot sauce.), James Dimmare (Imagine Fred Astaire doing dove magic.), and a guy who did close up that made my eyes combust he was so good. Armando Lucero. Holy god tell it on the mountain, see this guy if you ever get the chance. Seriously. Shout outs to Maurice, Rich, Doug, and Jeff Ezell. Real nice guys and they were very kind to two out of towners like us. We'll see them again in March probably.

Now we wander off to Vegas. For all of it's flashy lights, variety shows, and legalized hookers it's kinda boring. (If you don'tdrink or gamble anyway.) We learned a few very important things in Vegas tho'. 1: Mischief should know when to quit whist he is ahead and B: I should NEVER gamble. (With my own money anyway.) Saw the World's Greatest Magic show. Got to hang out afterwards with Sylvester The Jester (Friend of ours) and a lot of the performers after the show. Jeff Hobson is amazing and funny as hell, The Majestics are fairly normal illusionist faire, Nicholas Knight and Kinga have an art angle that works and they are fairly friendly, Kevin James is as nice as they say he is (He got us free tix to the show.) and he has a sawing in half that looks surreal, Sylvester is awesome as always but the silly Vegas audiences just don't get it. Joseph Gabriel always reminded me of a thinner Michael Keaton Circa "Johnny Dangerously" but at least he produces doves... mind you I will save my dove rant for another day.

All in all it was a fun show. Hell we saw it twice. (It was free. Too poor to see P&T or anything else. Mac King was dark for the halidaze.) However Vegas is like any other town with more tourists, more electricity, and bigger a-holes. Sadly it is not the town for me, and I am not dumb enuff to move to LA. Dallas will have to provide shelter a few months more.

So there you have the shortish version of our magical adventures. Tune in next time for your regular dose of hate and venom as we rant till' my heart is content. Until then this will have to tide you over.. FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck Toodles.


Thursday, December 25, 2003

Holiday cheer to follow later...


Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Nothing exciting today for tomorrow I leave for Cali for the holidaze. Gonna spend some time with the CotE and some other fiends. After that oh so jolly tree trimming day we're gonna wing... er, wheel it to viva Las Vegas!! Thaz right we're doing shamless self promotion for the hellidaze. So here is something to contemplate whist I am gone. (I'll prolly check in here and there.)

Who are you? What is yer style, your character... is your magic you.. or are YOU your magic? Do you sound fake when performing... or is it really flowing thru you? Think about. I'll be back for your answers later.


Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Random Plugging!!

That is all...
Tonight I am gonna talk to you about mad skillz. Not so much technical card manipulating skill but things to further such a venture. Learna bit of juggling. Learn a bit of fire handling. Learn dexterity challenges like spinning a pen around your fingers. (Ala that guy in Goldeneye) Why? It actually helps in hand eye co-ordination. I personally have been playing video games a very long time and have a fairly good relfex now cuz' of it. (And a rotten brain. Dammit they were right... that and the blind thing too. Guess I really should have stopped doing that hunh?)

Magic is not so much an art as it borrows from other arts making it a bit of the old theater. Magic by itself is just moves, tricks, techniques, and apparatus. To make it entertaining or effective you must use dance, acting, mime, movement, comedy, make-up, and many other various performance ideas. It's very fitting magic steals from other performance... just as other magi steal from each other, it is inherent in the system. It's axiomatic. (look it up.) All cats are bad.

So it is up to you to take it upon yourself to further yer art by furthering your skill and education. Look at the more famous performers. They all had a style that was their own and outside influence. Albeit a few decades behind sometimes. That is another problem with magic. Many magi don't keep up with the times. Why is this? Because magic is heavily influenced by other mediums. It takes a while for it to seep into the eyes and by that time it is old news. Especially with music. Without people like Alice Cooper, KISS, or Ziggy Stardust a ot of the modern performers would not be like they are. Penn was very influenced in his youth by the Velvet Underground and Bob Dylan. Look at the way he turned out.. again,a few decades later. It takes a while for this stuff to seep in and get the influence out there. With this trend tho' it scares me to the amount of hip hop magi might start popping up soon. I shudder to think about it.. (Shudders.)

So what to do? Keep up with the times by opening yer mind to influence and experiences of ALL types. Try stepping outside of yer little reality and see what the world really does have to offer. Always keep an open mind.. but no so open it falls out of yer head..ok?

Pandora opened the box, which her father told her not to open. It let pain and suffering into the world, but after them came a small one named Hope, which said 'I follow them wherever I go.'

sure it has nothing to do with magic but I liked it.. you can find more Here. So what shall we talk about tonight kidz? Gather round' the campfire whilst Uncle Bizzaro resounds you with scary tales of internet oddity. You know there are fetishes for everything. People who like to lick eyeballs, people who like to make sweet sweet love to an armpit or two. However I dunno what the name is for this next story.. perhaps I shall title it.. The Tale of the Creepy Prestidigiphiles!!! (Insert creepy theramin music here.)

So there I am. (No matter where you go, there you are.) Sitting on my computer. A practice I find way too common actually. I get an odd message on my Yehoo messenger.
Weirdo: Are you really a magician?
Me: Thaz what they tell me.
Weirdo: You do stage Illusions?
Me: Nah thaz not my style.
Weirdo: So you don't cut a person in half then?
Me: What's the point? We like to do things differently. You do any magic yerself?
Weirdo: No, I just like it.
Me: Well thaz why I keep doing it. Gawd knows it's not for the money.
Weirdo: Wanna do a mock show. You can saw me in half...
Me: .................

More or less paraphrased from the 4-5 times this has happened. Yes boys and girls there are people with magic illusion fetishes. They want to cyber magic show with me so I can cut them in half. Male and female. I do NOT understand all!!!

I mean sure it's cool to be onstage but to get a (I hope not sexual) thrill from the thought of being used and abused by a crappy box magician really worries me. I cannot explain it, define it, nor understand it.. so I will just say this... DOUBLEYOUTEEEFF!!!!


Monday, December 15, 2003

Nothing to complain about tonight except maybe the lack of cool female magicians in the town that I live in. Why is that you think? I mean the lack of female magicians period? Is it just cuz' they aren't afflicted in the same way boyz are? Are they not given the same toys we are and magic props aren't seen as "girlz" stuff? If that was true then why do some get into it? Lack of ability to date maybe.. well when yer 12 yah. Something causes it.. I dunno what it is. It's just that same spark that keeps them in it like it keeps us in it. I assume the same thing gets them into it that gets males into it too. They see someone pull a coin froma dinner roll and boom thaz it!! Magic is born and they wanna do more.

Now why do they not stick with it then? I have heard tales of girls being told they CAN'T do magic. It's a guys thing. Or that girls can ONLY be clowns. Wow what kinda chauvinist fuknut told them that? I wanna smak em'. I'm a big advocate of females in magic, however I am wary promoting it cuz' I feel some would just look at me like a perv or it's a really creative way to find dates. Nay you pervs!! There are NO strong female magic role models in the world. Malinda was a joke, and no one knows who Galina, Lisa Menna, Jade, Luna Shemada, Misty Lee, Tina Lennert, or any of the other femmes in magic are. Not enough circulation or push really.

Let's say a female magician had been the first to do the street magic Blaine thing. Would it have taken off like he did? Prolly not cuz' no one would have promoted it as heavily. Should it have been done that way.. HELL YAH!! That girl would have been and idol to females everywhere. There is still time, and still hope tho'. If utilized correctly and not heavily played upon the "oh lookit me, I'm such a girl. Watch me do magic!!" she would have definite power in magic. A strong and original personality could go very far if marketed right. Arian Black missed that mark unfortunately.

So what have we learned? A: I really did have something to say B: I am a FIRM supporter of females in magic.. hmm that sounded dirty. Dammit!!! and 3: I'm fooking tired. More tomorrow maybe...


Saturday, December 13, 2003

BLOG BLOG BLOG!!!! What rolls down stairs, rolls over in pairs, rolls over yer neighbors dog? It's BLOG!!!!

Hiya kids... it's magic thyme again. With a dash of oregeno!! What should we talk about today? I actually don't have anything on my mind. How about I talk about what magic tricks really make my dick itch? Yah that's good.

Let's start with Illusions. I frickin' hate Interlude. You know the one. Where an anorexic college student crawls thru the chest of some poofy shirt wearing fashion victim. The only people who did that in a cool way was Seinfeld and Roy.. and look what happened to them. Someone dips Roy's underwear in meat sauce and end of shitty box tricks. Woo hoo!! Copperfield does it, a guy in Austin does it, everyone does it. Hell they do it illegally. Ok so what's another one. Geometrix/ Cube-zag. Hate, hate, HATE that trick!!!!

I never understood tricks where they put a chick in a box, do something moderately kinky/ horrible to their body and then.. THEN put her back together like nothing happened. All along with a pained Vasaline(TM) soaked smile on. It makes NO sense. I figure I would just have a girl come out (No not out of the closet, tho' that might make far a better show.. hmmmm...) on stage, and say something like, "I was gonna cut her in half and put her bcktogether, but I didna have 3,000$ and she would have looked like this at the end anyway.. TA DA!!" If I was gonna chop up a girl, she would stay chopped up.

It all falls under the one word that needs to be tattood on the forehead of all magi.. WHY!!? Why produce a candle, and a dove, and why are you mulitplying those balls? "Well it's because I am a magician"


Try again bucko. Give us somthing we can grasp onto. Show me something I have seen in real life. Not those shiny brass cups, not those big solid.. what are those cock rings? Not those silk scarves that no one carries around with them anymore not even yer wife!! (poor soul) Please try and have magic make sense. I know that phrase makes no sense cuz' it's magic and magic makes no sense but yer presentation sure as bloody hell can be can't it? Now get going before I revoke yer ITR privledges!!!


Friday, December 12, 2003


Ahem.. in otherwords it's time for another daily rant. I am sure I will skip days soon, BUT NOT TODAY GALVATRON!!!

Today's venomous post will circle (jerk) around the concept of just who the hell do we work for anyway? Magicians? Naaaah. They only pay you to do conventions, and doing magic for a buncha magicians at a convention is like doing magic for retarded monkeys that have been exposed to radiation. Smart enuff to be receptive but too stupid to show it effectively. (That outta piss off some people... well not really people. Magicians aren't people.) Where was I? Oh yah... magic for real people. We try and invent moves to fool other magicians. This is as effective as people who learn karate moves to stop other karate moves. How many people are you REALLY gonna fight in real life that know praying meerkat style? Seriously...

Sadly I fall prey to it too. It's like a frickin' tractor beam pulling you in.. "Must.. invent.. new.. fool.. ingrates." I dunno why we do it. We just do. Creativity I guess, but trying to fool another magician is ridiculous. Sure doing a double lift from the bottom of the deck will fool a guy who knows what a double lift actually is, but someone who doesn't know could care LESS!!! (and less, and less, and less.) Someone who is unknowing in the ways of magic can be fooled with a double faced card. They just.. don't.. know. So why do we keep trying? Good question. New stuff is good, but the classics are classic for a reason DAMMIT!!!

This brings me to the fact of magicians who keep inventing more and more magic crap to sell. Do we really need anymore trick decks of cards that just do ONE thing? Do we really? Now I am not gonna name any names (in a non-bold font) but Jay Sankey and Henry Evans need to be stopped!!! They keep putting out 10 tricks and out of those 10 only ONE is good. The rest are, in the real world, crap!!! Killer key is ok, and Tribute to Verone is good. Thaz it!! (Airtight is good too, but it's been around forever.) Why do we keep putting out so much junk!? For the love of the art? To further it? To expand our horizons? Hell no.. we love the almighty $Dollar$. (Which is my only reasoning for sankey's capitalist ventures. He's Canadian. Their money is worth about 1/5th of ours.)

You know if we spent less time trying to fool ourselves and making badly made products that only work if the stars are aligned right, the room is dimly lit, and the person has had a frontal lobotomy we might just actually get somewhere with this damn thing. Get those magic books out of the games and hobbies section and into the performing arts section where they belong.. right next to the books on Mime.... hmmmm... ok so it's not all wine and roses.


Thursday, December 11, 2003

It's that time again. Yup, i'm bored and just woke up a bit ago. So I guess before I satiate my urge for sustinence (If yer confused look those words up Here.) I'm gonna rant.. maybe rant and a half I dunno yet. Todays discussion will focus on dorks. Now I don't mean those guys sitting around a table playing D&D every weekend. (I cast Magic Missle.) I mean the magic dorks. (Which actually could be one in the same.)

Now I am not talking about the card game MAGIC either. I fooking hate that game. I mean the card wielding, poorly dressed, couldn't get a date is they paid for it dorks. How some of these guys manage to find blind retartded eskimo women to marry them is beyond me. But seriosuly folks... All magicians are DORKS!! No exception. Not even for me. Hell I can name damn near every original Transformer. Thaz pretty lame wouldn't you agree? In todays issue I am gonna tell you how to bcome LESS of a dork. It's very easy. First off don't dress like This Guy. Secondly find something yer intrested in just as much as magic. It's nice to diversify. Me personally, I like drawing, special FX make-up, video games, graphic design, video editing, long walks on the beach and.. well ok scratch that last one. You get the idea. Have other things you can do and talk about.

Also never EVER force your magic on someone and start by saying stuff like, "Yer gonna love this watch!". Don't TELL them they are gonna like something Before they see it. What if you suck and they didn't like it. You are now a liar and liars go to hell.. or New Jersey... Same thing. Let them come to you. (unless they're your friends. Then it's ok. It's their own damn fault for liking you.) Also never think you are the shiznit. You aren't. There is always someone better. It happens. Get over it. Have some self esteem tho'. Chicks dig guys with confidence. (Assuming you like girls that is. If yer gay you already have fasion sense and therefore are well ahead of everyone else.)

Ok so I know yer young and have no car, no friends, and the dog won't even play with you. All you have is your deck of cards and that Klutz book of Magic someone got you at X-mas to get you out of the room for a while. So yer at a disadvantage, but if you are looking at this you at least have the interent. Go learn something. (God knows there is no learnin' to be found here on this site). Be warned tho'.. once you discover sex, magic will seem to pale in comparrison. Mind you if you do magic getting to that point in yer life is gonna take a hell of a lot longer than a normal person.

So what's my point? I don't think I ever really had one. Just be yourself, and not just a deck of cards. We're all losers or else we wouldn't be doing this. If we looked like Antonio Banderas would we need card tricks? If we could play guitar and make leather look good would we foist ourselves on other people sitting at tables in a resturaunt? Hell no. So we have to work with what we have. Just remember, if you suck at what you do, don't give up. Make sure you suck at it like no one else ever could. Just don't wear a boy scout uniform when you are 40.. that's just sad.

So here I sit in my evil santa hat OF DOOM!!! I wonder why magic has become the weird bastion of BS and capitilism that it has become. Well I was inspired by someone to start one of these. It will be no where as Cool as this guy's blog.... but dammit I can try can't I? (And I am not stealing his blog color idea, green just appealed to me more than blinding white. I wear mostly black for a reason Dammit!!)

So what's up first you ask on the rant and rave menu? Well put down yer glow sticks and listen up. Uncle Bizzaro has a quandry for you. What kind of world do we live in where someone takes the way you hold your hand and puts their name on it for all eternity. I CLAIM THIS HAND CRAMP FOR SPAIN!!! (plants flag with shades of Eddie Izzard refrences.) I, of course, refer to the biddle grip. DoubleyouTeeEff!!!! What kind of god lets a man name a common way to hold something and get credit!!!

If i had a time warp, (it's just a jump to the left.), I would go back and claim a LOT of things and be a freekin' card genius just for knowing ways to hold cards. Mechanics grip? Nah screw that... I'd call it "No one but a magician holds a deck of cards like this." Sure it's longer but at least it's more to the point. Biddle Grip? Nah.."Hold the cards palm down like this." Much more descriptive and isn't as silly as ONE guy naming it for his own amusement. It's like taking credit for God making water because YOU discovered H2O. (Well if yer a Xian. Insert yer diety of choice in there.)

Makes no sense to me in my little world with the burnt orange grass and the sky colored #00FF00. (look it up.) I think we need to spend less time naming this crap and just try to do it better. All of you sucky magicians are making me look bad... KNOCK IT OFF!! (I do a good enuff job without yer help.)