Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Talk Hard

For anyone who has ever seen Pump up the Volume then you know what that means. If you haven't I suggest you find a copy and watch it with great intent and determination. The message is clear even if you are not.

In the flick a young Christian Slater runs a pirate radio station that leads his local skool to a bit of a revelation and revolution about themselves and their life. He was their voice when no one else thought they had their own. Today we have something similar and who do we have to thank for it? Andy? Goldstein? Swiss? Nope.. that badly dressed nazi Steve brooks over at Magic Cafe. Now mind you in his defense he just runs the site and he has little mini-nazis who run the site more than he does. He's just the furor of his own little home. (As he likes to call it.) If it wasn't for the blatant dis-regard for the respect of free will and the freedom of speech then we would not have the freedom fighter we have today as it were.

Originally a guy (Whose name I forget) started a "I hate Brooks" page and that got kinda shut down quick, but it was in the spirit of these events that I found The Magic Circle Jerk and I was inspired to start my own rant page. Not because he did it but I just had never thought of a good place to write about my venomous opinion on magic. Thus here we are.

At the end of the aforementioned flick many others found their voice and became their own pirate radio. (Yah and Rosebud was a sled screw you.) the MCJ has started a trend I rather enjoy. From Atomic Brew to the more recent The GunnSight people are slowly announcing their disdain for the state magic is in today.

Brings a tear to my brain.. really. Regardless it's good for people to see magic is not just the shiny happy facade we put on for the crowd. Magic is full of performers and man lemme tell yah.. performers are freekin' bent individuals. In some way or another we are all outcasts and if someone isn't.. then they are just a prick with few friends anyway. Regardless we're all damaged. Deal with it. So raise your voices high and if you got something to say... say it. No one is gonna stop you cuz' the FCC and clear channel can't even touch us here... yet.

Talk Hard


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Ever wonder how magic guys get them good looking chicks? Simple.. they have a solid gold penis. I don't mean the solid gold like that bad dance show but like Goldmember gold. God knows it's not their looks, money, or personality.. it can't be.

Seriously folks, how many times do you hear people like David Coppertone wax poetic about how, "I was picked on in skool, no one liked me, girls wouldn't talk to me, I was shy, I had to walk home uphill both ways, our father would kill us a half hour before we had to wake up and etc etc.", and thus they turned to magic like so many smack addicts (Not the Ramen, the drug.) Thus because no one hugged them enuff and the last time they were close to a woman's genitals was when they were born, magic became their outlet to personality. This is my theory as to why so many stage magicians are dripping with (Insert vulgar term for female genitalia here) onstage while yet still having NO viable personality on stage.

At least that is what it used to be. Now it's grown from not only that to the fact that in the 80's that became the acceptable idea of what stage illusion was like. (Besides, hot chicks, loud music, leather jackets, bad hair - Who wouldn't want that?) Not only that it has also crept into female magicians acts like Melinda and Connie Boyd. Oiled up biker looking guys prancing around stage playing the part of the estranged love interest. Way to be original there gals.. really.

Hell even the magic guys who love the kok use femmes in their stage show... and why not? Sex sells. Yer target audience is male, why not exploit them like so many strippers have before? Mind you there is a dynamic that when onstage is better between a male and female. Seeing two guys onstage cuddling up close after they walk thru a giant fan might be, for some, alluring... however to the general public and most of the south, it's a bit un-nerving.

So yah... magicians keep gurls around to feel better about themselves, see naked chicks backstage, find a date, find a wife, find themselves.... whatever the reason it boils down to one thing. You still have to pay them.

Who sez it doesn't pay to be a propstitute?


(Join me next time for my rant on the "Care and feeding of your white tiger." or "How to get out of a contract by wearing meat flavored underpants.")

Monday, August 23, 2004

What's in a name?

Sorry I haven't posted in a bit. Been kinda busy not paying attention to the site. (it's rough man.) Like I have said before, I dunno who reads this that often (Save for like two people who are friends. Yes I have friends. Not too many in the magic community, but still friends. I am prolly better off that way.) Regardless I don't want to just rant to rant. I want to do so when I have something to say. Preferably something new as well. I could repost about how much I think magic is a capitalist hell hole. I could yammer on and on about the lack of originality and personality in most magic acts.. but I think one post about that is good enuff... and if yer too damn lazy to find it and read it go read something that never gets stale.

Ever notice how people who call themselves exclusively a magician first and their name second or include the title magician in their name tend to be hobbyists. Usually people who are not serious enuff to live the lifestyle that comes with the ups and downs of the professional entertainment business?

Sure people like Lance Burton and Mac King call themselves magi's but you have to have a trade off. People still recognize the title magician and all that it entails. You say entertainer they think yer a stripper. You say artist they think yer broke. You say mime.. well you just get laughed at but thaz asides the point. Lance and Mac still use their real names and people recognized that because they had good enuff character or originality or charm to get past the title magician. Also publicists just put magician in the title of anyone who does magic. It sells. It's easy.

The point is many of the people who are hobbyists make that the main attraction. The magic done by a magician. Not magic done by so-and-so. It's when yer name carries more power than your occupation that you are on yer way to becoming a serious presenter of the arts in which you love.

Too many names and faces are interchangeable. Make sure that yer one that will stay in their minds... forever.


Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Why do I hate the internet and magicians who aren't on the up and up with their audience? Let me share with a conversation with a fellow who messaged me recently..

Magicdewd: I am a close-up and street magician
Magicdewd: I perform hit and run magic like David Blaine

Ok the first sentence is fine, the second makes me want to kill people. It is because of guys like Blaine, (but mostly Blaine himself), that make people think it's ok to screw with strangers on the street. You bother the wrong guy in the wrong part of town yer gonna get a non-color changing knife in the gut. Anywho..

Magicdewd: I like snowstorm in china and crushed and resurrected can

Well yah who doesn't? Wait.. Snowstorm in China is a street trick? Did I miss a memo? Isn't that called littering. In Texas we KILL people who do that. Remember that whole don't mess with TX campaign? Yah that wasn't working so now they have road side snipers set up in some places to take out people who litter. We import them from Canada because Canadians are good at two things - Hockey & sniping.

By the way when he said crushed and resurrected can he meant Anders Moden's Healed & Sealed that Blaine performed and then was ripped of numerous times by unscrupulous magicians all over the world. I corrected him on his usage of the phrasing and his response?

Magicdewd: i gave it a new name

Well thaz nice of you to do. I am sure the inventor appreciates that! So lessee what else amuses me at 7 in the AM about this. He sez he puts the can under a bench and waits for someone to sit down.

Magicdewd: I arrive dressed as a street cleaner pick up the can and pick it up saying isn't disgraceful how people litter
Magicdewd: Then i magically heal and seal it and walk away drinking it
Magicdewd: (insert annoying laughing smiley icon thing here)
Magicdewd: The look on their face

He told me he doesn't do this for money just to amuse himself basically. I can dig that.. but dressing up like a street worker? Isn't that also illegal? The thing that almost made me shake my head was this revelation that is usually spouted by people who are fux0red on drugs and booze and find jeebus in a hotel drawer. (In Las Vegas the Gideons put porn mags in our drawer... thaz Vegas for you I guess.)

Magicdewd: i was depressed, i almost committed suicide
Magicdewd: buut then i found magic

Granted it's not nice to make fun of that, but I doubt he will see this, and I did change the name so no one knows who it is. Regardless, I am sick of magic being too readily accessible to people who just wanna do it as a hobby and not treat it seriously. I have complained about this many times in these rant pages and I will continue to do so until I tire of it or I take my own life with a set of linking ropes.

Please people, it's like inbreeding.. yer not only hurting yourself but others around you.


Monday, August 02, 2004

And now time for "I have nothing to say so let's talk about strippers!!!"

Ok actually I do have something to say about that actually regarding magic. A lot of people are of the opinion that strippers are worthless and sluts and whores. (Pot, kettle, something about a dark color.) Anywho, hanging out in the alternative scene you meet a great many people who are of the theory, "If they are stupid enuff to give me the money I am gonna take it." The story usually goes that they are dancing to make money for college. This is usually a half truth. It's for college and smack. (Not the Ramen) However I actually know a few who REALLY don't drink or drug it up but really do dance for skool cash.

Ok enuff of the history of exotic dancers, (What a pritty way to say "Girl who gets nekkid for cash" hunh?), because I do have a point. Lemme find it. (looks around) ah there it is... ok so yer looking for a magic assistant who will work cheap, is comfy on stage, and isn't afraid to wear the cloth equivalent of kleenix. Well you could try yer local college theater group and end up with some prima donna bitch who wants to be paid for she is a serious artiste. Yah whatever. Why not find a stripper? They have all you want and more!! (Assuming more means silicone. I recommend not using that substance in yer magic act unless it's in yer d'lites.)

So yah thaz my point. Yah need someone to do magic with you. Visit a few strip clubs, study the gals, talk to them, pay them for having to talk to you, and then see if they wanna work for yahz. Who knows in the end you might even find a life partner.

Now gimmie a lap dance... I have a pizza.