What do you call a guy with no arms, and no legs hanging on a wall?

MAT!!

Get it? Mat.. it's a .. it's a joke. Please put down the weapons. Ok so recently on a magic board I slip in and out of, I saw a talk about a certain type of Close-up Pad. Now I always thought that walking up to a table in a restaurant, whip out a rubber foam mat thing and then perform card and coin magic.

Now to us (magicians) this is a common and natural thing. Mind you to us natural is relative. I personally will learn something that can be done in the air first, then modify it for table use if need be. I never expect to have a nice foamy soft clothlike surface to perform on... and neither should you. All of these great sleights you can do, but only on a close-up pad. Thaz a damn shame that you don't have yer little mat here now and all is this glass table. Amaze me now monkey boy!!

Now the good people can do it anywhere and anyway they want. (like porn stars) However, relying on a rolled up colored little stage seems a bit silly to me. Of course carrying it with you in yer back pocket just screams GEEK to me but then again.. so do most card tricks.

I won't even go into the guys you see at magic conventions on the floor doing shadow coins or any of their many variations. They look great sure, but being on yer knees at perfect fellatio height does NOT make me think professional. I don't care how good you are... learn it on a hard wood table and I will be impressed.

Bizzaro.

Is magic real?

I have been asked this a few times in my life. There is the urge to say, "Yes it is and I am an all powerful wizard. Ignore that man behind the curtain!!" but I can never bring myself to say that. It's unfair to people for us to try and REALLY purvey ourselves as masters of the unknown when people ask. If they assume that's ok. It's like the gutter of a comic book. They fill in the blanks like a fucked up Mad Libs game.

However when the jig is up andthey are asking you that fateful query, "Is magic real" to set their little confused minds at ease what do you say? I mean really. If you say yes then yer an asshole. I know it's our job to fool people and entertain them, but when they wanna be less freaked out and make sure all is right with the world there is no need to OUTRIGHT lie to them. What we do is real in a sense but not in the way people think.

I never have had a GREAT answer to this until now. I don't want something that sounds like a cop out and I sure don't wanna lie to someone about something so out there. How do we get around this you ask? By putting the decision right squarely on them. When they ask that question, answer them as honestly as you can....

It's as real as you want it to be.

Bizzaro.

(Of course if they still ask, "No really is it?" then just tell them yes because they deserve that for pestering you. hee hee)

Are you trying to control me?

A lot of younger magician types are always asking about the best card controls, passes, and the like. Now stay with me on this, but what if there was no passes or double undercuts? How would you control a card? Why does it even mater that much?

We forget that we don't have to be as sneaky as we think we are. Sure you put that card in there. But then you cut the deck all funky. I know he knows where that card is. Now what if you slid that card right in the middle of the deck, no cutting or anything. Now you have something interesting... but only a bit. You see when we force card tricks upon people they know we are gonna, more than likely, find their chosen card. It's not how well we do it, but how we do it. Hunh? Lemme explain.

Card selected, lost in deck, cards thumped, card on top. Mildly amazing, zero entertainment. Now try the same start, but find that card in your zipper. Pretty amazing, funny as hell and unexpected!! Magic is about entertainment, not moves. Sure the pass is effective.. when it's called for. Double undercuts look retarded. Use a top change or slip force as a card control. Who's gonna know? Start thinking like a mundane. Pretend you don't know the world elmsley count, injog, or even shitzu. Why kill yourself working on an invisible move no one is ever gonna see anyway? I think you SHOULD learn the moves, but not rely on them. Open your mind up to new ideas. People don't know what we're doing or even pay attention. It's that last bit you need to work on. I don't care if yer LePaul pass is the best around, if I am not smiling at the end I'm lighting you on fire.

Bizzaro.

David Blaine is an Asshat

You know it's funny. I started this Blog as an idea I gleaned from another mage type guy... ish. (Whose link can be seen on the right. I'm too tired to html it in right now. Bite me.) I have NO clue how many read this. It could be ONE guy it could be 25.. it could be any number of people. I don't advertise it very much because my opinions are very brash and all of my own thinking. (Free thinking is frowned upon in some magic circles.) So that means I have been writing in this thing for almost half a year. (I'm not there yet but I am close.. hmm that sounded dirty.) I don't know if anyone cares what I write, values my opinion, or takes it to heart.. and you know what? I don't really care. This is for me to get these thoughts out of my head and maybe, just maybe, educate someone.. thru the charming power of hate.

So that brings me to tonight's little rant and rave. David Blaine is an Asshat. Yes that's right. The mulatto looking, down syndrome talking, video editing mofo that he is has given certain types of magic a bad name... but only to us. That's right, only the magicians give two tugs of a dead dog's kok about David Blaine or what he does on TV. Sure sleeping in a clear death trap was frowned upon by mage and layperson alike, (There has to be a better word than layperson... I personally always liked "Mundanes"), but his TV shows, books, and god help us if he ever puts out his own salad dressing, sells. Why is this? Is it the fact that he is far more attractive than anyone else. ("Not good looking for the world, but good looking for a magician" - Penn Jillette) Could it be the fact he did something groundbreaking? Could it possibly he has the slimiest pack of production crew I have seen in some time... ummmmmmmmm could be.

I have no problem with this wanker. Never met him. He might be a nice guy. I'll never know. (I am sure the girls that he and Leo double team think he's very nice.) However I think his ideals are misplaced. He uses video editing to omit important parts of a routine. Ok so thaz fine, but don't have someone say, "This is EXACTLY what you would see if you were here right now". It comes off a bit hypocritical. Also the lousy flotation editing... that chapped my ass worse than anal sex. (Mind you I have nothing to compare that to. I am just assuming.) I don't wanna hear from ANYBODY, "Well they were just representing what it looks like to people in their minds". My ass. It's TV. Don't exploit people for your ratings and good name. I know it's our job to lie to people but damn. Have you no morals... or did someone buy them from you for a pretty penny?

Then there is his Hay-'suess complex. Raising the dead, feeding the hungry and poor.. what's next fishes and loaves? There is something evil behind his eyes and you can spot it. In his first special when he is walking towards a child in the distance. Lighthearted Magician.. or child molesting kidnapper? You be the judge. I think the biggest problem I have is that he glorified street magic as a person to person performance and while you can make money that way, a real street performer either robs you blind with three card monte or gathers a large crowd via a small stage show. Ok so why is this bad you ask? The kids these days. They believe what they are told more now than ever. TV, internet, and print has more hold on their reality than ever it did. They think this is the way to perform street magic. There was once a time when this was no big deal. Kids doing shabby magic for a birthday party or skool show. Not a lot of harm done that wasn't already there. Now it's gone to the streets. Out in public places, approaching people dressed like a street bum trying to freek them out. David Blaine gets away with it cuz' HE has a video camera and production crew. You are emulating that which you do not have and also what you do not know. It takes YEARS of practice to perform a trick for someone, and only a few seconds to ruin it for all the rest of us. Please stop sucking in public. Take it indoors away from everyone else. Stop believing everything you see on TV and the net. Research things, educate yourself, and PAY THE HELL ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU!!!

You're not David Blaine which means yer not an Asshat. You don't wanna be an Asshat do you? I didn't think so...

Bizzaro.