Why am I stuck in magician Hell?

What do you call a guy with no arms, and no legs hanging on a wall?

MAT!!

Get it? Mat.. it's a .. it's a joke. Please put down the weapons. Ok so recently on a magic board I slip in and out of, I saw a talk about a certain type of Close-up Pad. Now I always thought that walking up to a table in a restaurant, whip out a rubber foam mat thing and then perform card and coin magic.

Now to us (magicians) this is a common and natural thing. Mind you to us natural is relative. I personally will learn something that can be done in the air first, then modify it for table use if need be. I never expect to have a nice foamy soft clothlike surface to perform on... and neither should you. All of these great sleights you can do, but only on a close-up pad. Thaz a damn shame that you don't have yer little mat here now and all is this glass table. Amaze me now monkey boy!!

Now the good people can do it anywhere and anyway they want. (like porn stars) However, relying on a rolled up colored little stage seems a bit silly to me. Of course carrying it with you in yer back pocket just screams GEEK to me but then again.. so do most card tricks.

I won't even go into the guys you see at magic conventions on the floor doing shadow coins or any of their many variations. They look great sure, but being on yer knees at perfect fellatio height does NOT make me think professional. I don't care how good you are... learn it on a hard wood table and I will be impressed.

Bizzaro.