Monday, January 16, 2006

Bizzaro.'s Guide to Magical Photos


Alright kids time for me to show you the steps to creating the best magic photos you can for use on your shabby frontpage created website or yer favorite webforum avatar.

Step One: Take a photo of yourself somewhere in your parent's house. The bathroom is usually empty. Make sure you outstretch your hand in a mysterious fashion. Speaking of fashion make sure you are wearing your best outfit for this. You know, the one you wear ANY time you leave the house so people will know yer a magician. If you are a mentalist and don't look like a 12 year old better point to your forehead or put some bent flatware in your hands. For now this will do...


If yer a total tool try this one...

It works best when leaning out of a fast sports car you could never afford at a local auto dealership. Make sure you take this photo yourself for that totally hip do it yourself close-up effect.

Step 2: Since Photoshop is so easily accessible ala' any number of downloading programs and any yeehoo can try to use it remove yourself from the background ala' your favorite method.


Step 3: Now to set the mood... mysteeeerious. What's more mysterious than space? That's right NOTHING!! Just ask Gene Roddenberry.. oh wait, you can't HE'S DEAD!! Regardless, put yourself in front of what you have between your ears.. space.


Step 4: Now to add a bit of magic to the mix.. by adding special FX with our magic SPECIAL FX GENERATOR (Lighting thunder muppets etc..)


Step 5: As if that weren't enough, time to add a force of nature and hey, nobody understands lightning right? They're like microwaves. No one really knows how they work right Pinky? (NARF!) So hell why not add some of that!?


Step 6: We're almost done kids. Now to add the often overdone and goofy looking Lens Flare effect. [Filters - Render - Lens Flare]. It says, "Magical, kool, and lazy bastard all at the same time. Much easier than trying to time yer FISM flash just right.


Step 7: To show you are a master of all you survey better put in the all seeing eyes for that touch of creepy. Besides you have to fill in that empty space in the corner. Be proud. You are probably the first person to EVER think of doing that!!


Final Step: Are we there yet? You betcha! Just add that drop shadow to show yer more than just a two dimensional cut out.. even if you are in real life. Voila'! A masterpiece.. a piece of whut I won't say...


So what does this picture have in common with almost every other magic photo online? It tells you absolutely NOTHING about the performer, what he does, or who he is. Looks like every other generic magician out there. Nothing to make it stand out in the minds of the normal public or make them interested in getting to know the person. No real personality or character to speak of. Could be anyone. Hell he could be trying to peddle Scientology on us.

I did this as an example to show you how most magic photos turn out lacking imagination or creativity in the department of selling who you are. Try to find a way to stand out among all of the other balding, heavyset, glasses wearing magi's. (Sorry the long beard and creepy voice are already taken.) Try to find what is unique to you and your character. If you have no character.. or personality then fake it. However holding up a fan of cards or a dove doesn't tell us jack about you. Nor does holding a crystal ball or crouching down outside somewhere by some steps. Be an original and they will never forget you.

Speaking of magic do me a personal favor and please stop making photos of stuff you can't actually do in your act. (i.e.) holding your assitants head with their body in a chair. It is good practice to do as little image manipulation as possible and get it all in studio. When the time comes and you have to perform the person hiring you won't ask you, "So when do you remove your arm and juggle with it?"

I am only telling you this for yer own good. I'm just trying to help...

Seriously.

Bizzaro.

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