Are you Finnish?

I favor the French personally but that's besides the point. (Also, these people are besides the point, but that too is besides the point.)

So on another forum I tend to hang out on too much, a finger was pointed to This post where some wanker asked a question and it devolved into what it usually does.... jaw flapping drivel. Now I am not without irony because let's face it, I do my fair bit of mandible moving on this journal, but hey, you don't have to read it so Nyah!!

However, that's not the point. The question that was asked was "How do you know your act is finished?" I immediately had an opinion on this. (What a shock I know) So since I won't sully my good name on that board, I shall instead wax poetic here for all to see. (ew!)

A live act such as those that we perform in the magic world can ALWAYS evolve and change. It is NEVER finished. It can be in a state of content completion. It can stay the same for YEARS. However, due to random stimuli we discover new or easier ways to handle and effect. Perhaps we crate a moment or bit of business that works better than something we already have. Old ideas can be re-introduced and cycle in and out for the purposes of experimentation.

ANYONE who thinks they are a master of their craft and their magic don't stink and therefore has no need to change any further or evolve is an uppity dick who has no right to call himself an artist. Everything is in a constant state of flux. Magic, dance, theater, life, business, dogs and cats.. LIVING TOGETHER!! Er..sorry.

Regardless, you may have a routine that has been the same since before Gawd, but there is ALWAYS a chance to tweak it. Even if it is un-perceivable by anyone else but you. You might change the timing to make a bit or line funnier. You might reword the same joke to have a better impact. The only way TO become better is to be open to change an d not be afraid to experiment. If you are afraid to fall, you will never soar high with the other.

I think I made my points don't you?

Bizzaro.

I sense a theme...

There are these websites online that have compiled lists of the more commonly agreed on magical effects.They are as follows:
*Production
*Vanish
*Transformation
*Restoration
*Teleportation
*Levitation
*Penetration (Sounds dirty don't it?)
*Prediction (Think Menatlism, but you knew I was going to say that right?)

So most magical effects can be pigeonholed into one of these categories right? WRONG!! While traveling down one of our highways here in Dallas in a moving truck with Aaron Stone, we got on this topic. I decided to try and fit a few of the effects I have created and use into these here above slots.

I came up empty. Thus I stumbled upon a new category that needs to be added to this list. I like to call it (drumroll) Forced Visuals. What does that mean you ask? Simple. It's a non sequitur that takes what people know and uses it against them. It's a prop that does something they know said object cannot do, but yet does it anyway. It is a forced perspective of the mind using visuals that may or may NOT mesh with their established reality.

Many of my favorite performers use this technique to entertain throngs of crowds all the time. Some people might call this sight gags or throw aways. It goes much deeper, usually on a psychological level that most people could not put into words nor would they want to because only people like me think about this kind of useless crap!

I need to get out more I think.

Bizzaro.

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors...

But I think that Itricks has a sick sense of humor. (Just kidding guys. I needed something to tie the song lyric to the post.)

Anywho, if you believe what they say, then next Tuesday you will get to see my grinning visage on a show that I personally can't believe lasted this long. In celebration of this... um.. thing... I have decided to dispense some advice should you ever find yourself in a similar position. (missionary?)

Having been on two TV contest shows (And possibly a third if I'm lucky) I want to throw a few ideas your way. First thing should be a given, but try as I might some poeple need this idea beaten into their damn heads. Be Professional! Seriously. There is nothing worse than a performer who does not conduct himself in a way not becoming of a person who does his art for a living. (hunh?)

In the same vein, don't be a prima donna dick. (or cunt if yer a chick. You are not excused from this article just because you have breasts. Sorry. Also, if that word offends you.. deal with it.) You cannot.. or more accurately, SHOULD not go into a place such as a recording studio and expect to be treated any differently than the rest of the cattle and then throw a fit when they don't bend to yer every beck and call.

Also, be nice to the other performers. (Who return the courtesy of course) This is a PRIME time to network, meet other people who know people, hand out cards, etc. You never know when knowing someone with a similar or differing talent might come in handy. If you treat them like crap, (And vice versa), then you will be known as that arrogant performer who no one wants to work with. This goes for the people running the show. They can edit yer sorry ass out like you never existed.

From a magician standpoint, it is also a good idea to go perform some minor miracles for the other non-magical performers who might be in their 3rd hour of stale donuts and false sincerity. Go cheer them up and be sociable. Free samples are never bad in these situations. Also, from a magician standpoint, don't be discouraged when they don't pick you out to advance or win. Magic takes it from behind in most contests... on or off TV. Remember what you are REALLY there for: Name Recognition. The more people who know who you are, the more pull your name has, the more you can charge down the road. Also doesn't hurt to pad your demo reel with some footage of you on national TV.

So to re-cap: Be professional, DON'T be an asshat, hand out free samples, and make nice with everyone because you just never know.

Experience is ALWAYS the best teacher.

Bizzaro.

According to this product, you can conjure up tears in an instant. I say why stop there. Get this:

and have the whole ROOM in tears!!

They'll never forget you.

Bizzaro.

Another word for Thesaurus?

So I got to thinking about something the other day that may or may NOT help you become more creative. This one definitely ranks high on the list of "theory". (No need for a number behind that. It's too low on the list.) Anywho, on to my point. (yes I have one and not just on the top of my head) Ready for this one? Vocabulary!!

(Dramatic pause)

Crack open a dictionary and look up words you aren't familiar with. Here is a good exercise: Go to your Myspace account and look at the update mood section. Go thru the lost of moods and see what all of the ones you don't know mean. Here is a good place to go - M-W.com.

Ok so now that you have stopped looking at me like the RCA dog, allow me to explain. If you don't know what something is then you can't know what it does. The more ways you can interpret the world around you and recognize the terms, the better you can visualize the mechanics or props you might need. This in turn will help you be more creative as you are armed with the proper knowledge to add two and two together and get... 5.

I told you math was hard.

Bizzaro.

Chicken Dinner!!

Sorry, flashbacks from watching 21 (Did that movie come and go or what?). Anywho, we have a winner for the BAMF! contest I started last week. It seems Andy has been stalking me on my other sites and figured out that I finally got a license to Kill.. er.. drive. (for those keeping score I am 29, so you do the math cuz' I suck at it. 2+2=fish ok?) You may think it's sad or funny, but you should hear the embarrassing stories.

Enuff of that silliness, he wins a manuscript of how to accomplish this miracle of magical craziness (Assuming he can understand my writing). Speaking of which, I am considering marketing this thru a third party publishing house. I don't expect it to tbe the next big thing BUT I think people can use it as it has gotten HUGE reactions for me. What do you think? Answer the poll to the right!! Be heard in 08'!!

Tomorrow, advice on a way to be more creative. All it takes is a book. Think it over and I'll be back.

Math is hard...

Bizzaro.

Card tricks for the close-up impaired...

Some of you might recall a post made a while back about a local bar we have been performing a variety show at. Well tonight was our first time at the new venue, (Protip: When a bar starts screwin' yah, go find a new place close-by... but don't forget to take your crowd with you.) Anywho, tonight I didn't have time to swing by the ol' HOD (House of the Dead for those of you not in the know) and grab the props for what I had planned tonight. I got caught up being an extra in a film being shot here locally. I won't say what it is, but it had Ron Jeremy in it, and if you know who THAT is... you need to spend less time on those sites.

So back to my point (As if these posts EVER have those!): Can you entertain a crowd of people in a stage setting with JUST a deck of cards? Yes you can!! (Not yes YOU can, but it IS possible. Chances are you might be one of those who is the magic equivalent of someone who couldn't get laid in a female prison with a fist-full of pardons.) Now card in hand is NOT stage worthy. Neither is triumph or any of them knuckle busting effects you have worked so long and hard on just to end up with carpel tunnel and an impressive book collection. When it comes to magic on stage with cards, simplicity is your friend.

What effects might play well in that situation you ask? My two go-to tricks in a pinch (Or goose) are mouth card and cards to pocket. Card in Mouth has inherent humor as anything done with the mandible area tends to be funny. (If you are working a bar crowd, the zipper is the same way.) Cards to pocket, (where the whole deck ends up in your empty pocket save for the one they selected), also has built in humor. It builds as the cards just keep coming from the previously shown empty area. With the right drunk audience member and a deck of cards you can create something that no sleight of hand move will ever accomplish... you can actually be... dare I say it.. entertaining!!

These are not the ONLY ones obviously. They are however two simple effects that always tend to please and garner laughs. (I say always, but there is some ass klown out there who I am sure is the exemption to EVERY rule) Mind you, with the right presentation and patter ANY effect can be entertaining. The best thing to do is find a trick that leaves the mechanics on the sidelines for a bit and allow your personality and improv skills to shine thru.

Don't you wish they sold canned off beat and improv on a stick?

Bizzaro.

I want you monkeys to see this and learn a lesson once and for all.


Did you see that? It was a Miser's Dream effect... done silent.... done different. Watch where and how he gets the laughs AND how he gets the magic done. Just because you may know the method, does that make it any less effective? No. Just because it's a plot device you are familiar with, does it make it any less entertaining? No. Is it simple and effective? YES!!

How many of you out there think you could do something like this? Magic, entertaining, AND engaging? Put yer damn hand down, it was a rhetorical question. This video is a prime example on how magic can be fun, easy, and most importantly, MAGICAL!!

Now go home and study because I expect a 3 page report on why you suck!! Don't forget to use the Firefox Spell checker. Otherwise you might mispell a word like rhetorical.

I know where you live....

Bizzaro.

Another contest?

Sure why not? I have a new effect I have been toying with (It is a card effect, but a damn good one) and if you want to be the lucky mofo to know how it works WAY before I tell anyone else about it, then you have to riddle me this Batman: What did I procure today (or whatever day you read this) that anyone who knows me would never believe I would EVER get?

You are not allowed to answer if you already know. The only hint you get is that it's not a magic effect.

Update: Here is footage of the effect I am working on.


It's made of Goesfast_TM.

Bizzaro.

Let's do the time warp again...

Lost in time... and lost in space: Remember one of the days during our guest week when we didn't have a column? Well it turns out someone with a time sphere (Stolen from Rip Hunter, and if you know who that is you need to get out more.) went into the future and stole this post right out of my journal and then altered reality so we just THOUGHT it never existed.

Well after a climactic battle with the Flat Screen Monitor, we have recovered said post brought to you by none other than Justin Robert Young over at itricks.com The best part is it kind of correlates into a post I made previously. It all makes sense now!!!!

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There is a wise saying going around the internet these days: content is king.

Believe me, it’s relevant. It’s incredibly relevant. In fact, it’s tattoo-it-on-your-mouse-hand-so-you-have-to-look-at-it-before-
you-think-about-clicking-the-“publish”-button relevant.

It means that if you’re going to generate a web presence, you need to think long and hard about what your page is for and why it’s there. Who is going to read this and what would be the best experience for them.

When it comes to the web, you are not designing a house, where you can be comfortable. In reality, you’re designing an amusement park with entrances, exits, monorails, food stands and secret subterranean detention facilities all strategically placed to make sure your audience sees what you want them to, which in turn is hopefully what they want to see.

I am not going to tell you what is good content and bad, that is too big a topic. Rather, I am begging you to get out of its way.

So… does this have anything to do with magic?

Yes it does. Thanks for asking.

Too many sites for magicians try to do too much. Here are my press clippings, here is how to book me, here is my blog, here is a photo of my 4 year old punching a fish. And that’s just the home page.

Then there are sites that ask you as you enter: are you a prospective gig or a magician? At which point, both readerships are forced to go through one more step before you even BEGIN to give them content they MIGHT find relevant.

Both of these have one thing in common. They don’t know which way to tell the reader to go. Imagine if you pulled onto the highway looking for a sign to tell you how to get to an exit and when you came across one it read "I don’t know, you pick." Every second a reader doesn’t get what they want is another second they are thinking about going somewhere else to find it.

My suggestion? Compartmentalize. Your booking site should be a slick tour through your accomplishments with contact information readily available to take advantage of as soon as they are convinced and that alone. Your site for magicians should cater to magicians and them alone, look at your own online experience and think about what you like and more importantly what you hate. Build the experience around that but never stop thinking like the reader. This also means you should have separate URLs for each, to eliminate distraction as much as possible.

As for the picture of your fish-punching four year old? That scaly thug had it coming, leave it on the front.

So many words.... None of them good.

Rocks fall... everyone dies.

Bizzaro.

Shiny captain...

So I thought it was a time for change. A time for peace, a time for... sorry, got lost in song there for a second.

With the customizations option that this site implemented about ooooh, a year+ ago, I figured it was time to take full advantage of it like yer prom date after you slipped that GHB in her drink.

To spice things up, I'm even willing to let you give me YOUR opinion... sort of. If you look to your right there is a poll I have posted so you can tell me if you like the new layout. If this is yer first time here, I even made an option for you so yah dun feel left out.

Hey this might be a good time to offer up some advice regarding magic websites. Two things. Have content and change it from time to time. The more stuff there is to see and do on yer site, the longer they will stay and the longer YOU stay in their memory. Add stuff, take away things, make light of the updates you make from time to time so people will KNOW something is going on.

You ever notice that when a band is working on a new album, they change their site to reflect that new body of work or the album art itself? Why not do that with yer magic site. If you get new promo photos done, or move in a new direction, let your site reflect that. This also falls under the category of content and ways to keep people coming back to your site.

Also, I want to add, for those do it yourself folks, learn the "Target="_Blank" tag. This will help prevent people from navigating away from your page and forgetting to come back. It opens links in a new window. Very handy for anything you link to off-site.

Remember: Your site must stay in their sight...

Bizzaro.

Rhime of the ancient stage magician...

I doubt Iron Maiden will ever cover this, but as well you know, stage magic has taken it in the ass in the last decade. (Tho' oddly enuff, the stage performances at WMS were better than the close-up in my humble but jaded opinion.) There are still some people out there fighting the good fight.

It's rare someone offers advice on theatrical or stage magic. Much like creativity, it's something you have to do.. and do.. and do.. and do over again before you find yer groove thang. However, there is nothing with being prepared for battle by letting others who have been there before you offer up some helpful hints.

Big Daddy Cool has been around for some time out in the musical hills of Tennessee. I can't fault a guy who likes stylish suits and swing music. With that in mind, on his blog of ooey gooey-ness, he is offering up a chapter a month of his book, Theatrical Magic. Advice from someone who has been working it. The ups and downs. The ins and outs. The to and fro. The yin and yang. The Vin And the Diesel.... um.. I think I ran out of things to say.

Regardless, if you want to read more than a chapter a month, he has a way to pick up the whole shiny shebang in one handy dandy little package. So go buy.. er.. by and give your head something to chew on.

It's hungry...

Bizzaro.

Curses, Saran Wrapped Again!!

"I don't like my language Watered down." - Ani DiFranco

I was discussing the use of expletives in performance the other day with a friend who has developed a new act of a disgruntled birthday party performer. In the earliest incarnation, the character cussed up a storm for the sake of a fallback almost. We both agreed that they shouldn't cuss at all except every so often. It is my firm belief that a well placed explfuckitive can be very funny.

See?

There are people who view this world as a crude place. Funny thing is, it always has been, and it's been WAY worse in the past. People are more polite now than they were back 100 years ago. Ever watch Deadwood? Yah me either. However, there are still those who have been told certain words are bad. Without researching where they come from, what they initially meant, or anything of that nature. We are told a word is bad as a kid and thus perpetuate this silly myth. As magicians we know all too well that words only have the power that we ourselvs put into them thru belief. Just as someone might be offended by the word crap (And ban you from a magic message board), you could easily be offended by someone uttering "Rutabaga". Hell there are some stupid twats who don't read this journal cuz' I say things like Asshat. In truth, I'm glad. I wouldn't wanna party with those people anyway. CLEAN CUP, CLEAN CUP!! MOVE DOWN, MOVE DOWN!!

Any performer, especially any one over the age of 40, who is worth their SALT has a mouth like sailor. You'd never know it because they are professionals and can plaster on that smile and do 5 kids shows in a day. You get them in a group of their peers, they say stuff you would never believe. This goes for the females too. I would rather spend an afternoon with a real entertainer than someone who thinks their whole life needs to be an edit.

This subject is like any other on this planet. Everyone has their opinion and they are entitled to it. There is no right or wrong answer, just groups of people who believe there is one. To end this silly tirade, just remember to be yourself and if it's how you are... don't apologize to anyone who you don't respect who gets offended. However, you should ALWAYS use professional discretion if you ant to be viewed as a professional. Just remember, we can't sugar coat the world...

we'd eventually get sick of the taste.

Bizzaro.

Put it on my bill...

So keeping in the vein of last night's post about new effects and the plots they use, let's talk about money. I don't mean Pink Floyd tunes either.

Two effects that come to mind are all of the variations of Patrick Page's Easy Money and the 100 Dollar Bill Switch. When it comes to changing a stack of paper to a different one, I prefer the idea behind Page's initial idea. Useless pieces of paper to money. Easy to follow and it doesn't take a step backwards.

That really is my biggest problem with these two money effects. The presentation is a thinly veiled bit of silliness. "I am going to change dollar bills to something MUCH BETTER.. oh wait.. maybe not. Just kidding. I'm an asshole and yer a victim of my ass hattery. Sorry... but not really." Just makes no... damn...sense.

Lately there has be a HUGE upswing on the Easy Money/Flash Cash concept. One such is Tom Isaacson, (Whom I met at WMS, and is a real nice guy), who has a damn good change. It's only downside is that it is VERY fast. If yer movements are more geared towards fast and flashy then his is the best hands down. However, if you are more inclined to a smoother more dramatic countenance, then Heiny 500 or Extreme Burn might be more yer cup of tea. The best thing about so many variations is there is BOUND to be something for you to use. Personally.. I won't do any of them... it's not my jock strap of tea.

If I was to perform it, I would use it as a transposition from paper to money and use a switch wallet. It makes more sense, and seems more magical. Takes the heat off the props even more in my opinion. I think the BEST 100 dollar bill switch presentation I have EVER seen was done by a guy named Doug Scheer. (Who is also a nice guy) His was also a transposition but used photographs and a serial number to baffle the hell out of people. (Not gonna explain the routine here, as it might be his idea and no need for un-necessary ripping off of routines aye?)

So, all of that aside, stop doing bill changes that make no sense. For my sake if nothing else. Don't insult your audiences intelligence...

Just insult your audience. (Grin)

Bizzaro.

FORK YOU!!

So as well ALL know, yes even you there... not looking at me or paying attention... we all know that levitation is the ridiculous end all, be all of magical flatulence in people's minds. However, there are a myriad of floaty shit that can be done. From something as cumbersome as the broom suspension or super-X (If you have no idea what I am talking about, you probably shouldn't be reading this journal anyway. Instead why not go peruse something more your speed?)

Where was I? Ah yes, levitation and it's variants. So you have suspensions, where the object of affliction doesn't really move.. it just kinda hangs there.. like a four hour viagra binge. There is also the bastard children of that category. The "Stuff that sticks to yer hand for NO damn reason" effects. Moving a little further down the line, we have levitations where an object comes only a few inches (if yer lucky) off of a surface. Most "Street" levitations fall under this dynamic as do many others. Then you have yer full on chubbby flotations. Usually employing some unseen form of hook up. These allow you to move the object in free space and show no visible means of support. (like some girls I know.)

Ok so yer asking, "Yes yes we know alla this. Why are you wasting my time with yer hairy vernacular?" Don't worry, it's as simple as you are. I am pimping a new effect soon to hit the shores and figure you might be interested. It comes from the mind of a man who has brought you many fine ways to float objects such as cigarettes and yourself. (Aside from many other fine things of strange allure.)

This effect would almost fall under the excel column of "suspension" due to it's nature of performance, but after you watch This Video you might disagree with that notion. Magic with a normal everyday object that seems very organic and un-obtrusive? Why the hell not? Don't like it? Screw you. Don't buy it. I'll do it and be a golden god at the dinner table. You can lick your wounds and your split spades deck.

This endorsement has NOTHING to do with the fact that Mr. Fearson is a friend of Fire Cat Studios. If the effect was merely "Enh" we just wouldn't mention it. We DO have SOME standards after all....

But not a lot.

Bizzaro.

DANCE MONKEY, DANCE!!

Piggy-backing on a post I made last month, I want to touch on some recent events and advice that might help you out as well.

Here in Dallas, we have started a weekly variety show at a bar. We set up shop on their backporch, and have free run of the place. We do an hour show and ask for tips. Right now there are four of us (Three magicians and one sideshow performer, all with our own unique styles) so we pretty much break even for food and gas after the money split. However, if we pull in enuff people, we can possibly get paid to do this and garner quite a following AND sell off merch in the long run.

Why did I bother you with the details of MY life? As an example of how easy it is to find places to perform and make a little money while you practice in front of real people WEEKLY. Nothing makes you better and field tests those new routines, than a weekly gig.

So find some friends, make some flyers, get a bar with a back porch and an open mind. You start bringing in a crowd on a usually lackluster night, they will not only appreciate you, but other live alternative acts in the long run. (Long run being the operative term. Something like this will not be a success right from the start. You have to stick it out and ride the waves of ups and down, good weather and bad.)

So get yer asses out there and become better performers by actually performing.

You'll be glad yah did.

Bizzaro.

So guest week was an ALMOST wavering success. Aside from having to jaws of life some people into writing something and having almost NO volunteers, I enjoyed seeing other's perspectives on the biz.. as it were. Regardless, we will eventually resume your normal torrent of mind numbing magic banter when I get over the gig I did on Monday. There is a reason I am a stage magician and not some short haired commie sell out who does corporate functions to further my "I'm better than you" fund so I can live in some lofty castle and look down on people while doing cocaine off the backs of 12 year old asian prostitutes.

But enough about Todd Diamond, if you like video games and like to hear people with an accent that is NOT american, then watch THESE as they are funny as hell.

By the way just kidding Todd...

Maybe.

Bizzaro.

For the end of guest week, we bring to you Della Deadgirl from the Dead Girl Circus. Word to yer mothers...

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It's Mother's Day. Isn't that exciting? One of a handful of days in the year where you magic-minded folks might be shuffling a different variety of cards. Now, this is Bizzaro's rant-space normally, and a Mom's Day blog is prolly the last thing you expected. But I've taken it over for the day, and as a mom myself, I feel obligated to say at least a little something.

We're performers, and we draw inspiration from lots of places. A lot of us started when we were just kids, and not necessarily in magic. I'll try and keep it focused there, but it really encompasses all performing. Our first audience, by and large? Our parents. Magicians, especially the young ones, need at least some form of encouragement to grow enamored enough with the art to practice often. A mom's well placed "Wow" or look of surprised amazement, even if it's faked, can do much to inspire a young magic hatchling.

Houdini said "my mother was everything to me." It was her death that influenced his interest in spiritualism, and busting fake mediums. David Blaine was raised by a single mother for most of his formative years, and his mother was enough of an influence on his magic career that she's mentioned on almost every site that contains even a hint of his biography. Not many magicians do that.

Now, your situation may be different. Not too many of us led the picture perfect childhood. But in one way or another, our moms shape who we are. Good, bad, strange or otherwise, you are who you are because of them. Likewise, your magic, or whatever your performance art may be, is touched by them as well. They make you, you make magic. So, take a sec and do something nice for your old lady. And if you're one of those who's already spawned an offspring or two, do something nice for the lady who was kind enough to not make you sleep on the couch that night.

It's the least you can do for the ones that still watch your tricks, tell you when you flash something too badly, collect your memorabilia if you have it, and get drunk at your shows so they can tell people, "Hey, you see that guy on stage there? That's my son! Isn't he fuckin' amazing?!"

Keep it freaky,
~Della

Sorry about no rant on Thursday. Not enuff people sucked it up and contributed so there are gonna be a few gaps BUT we have a nice one for Mother's Day this Sunday... until then, we're gonna force Aaron Stone to talk to you a bit. We're not giving him back his heavy deck till' he's done.

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Hey everyone. I'm Aaron Stone. None of you probably have any clue who I am. For good reason -- I'm on the younger end of the scale in the performance world. I got into magic for the simple fact that I had no social life and needed a way to get out of my shell and meet people. Why do I tell you this?
That is the only bit of information I can give you to make myself credible.

Not really... here's a bit more info that might help. I've been performing for just shy of six years now. You know, learning how to swim by being thrown into the lake, that sort of thing. My junior year of high school I ranked among the top 18 most humorous students in the state of Texas. Okay, enough about me, I just want you to know I'm not making up stuff as I go along. (Even though I, in fact, am).

When you first meet someone, you judge them. No two ways about it, you judge them based on how they portray themselves and their appearance; their demeanor; their gait; their car, their zip code... subliminally you make decisions about people you don't know without even thinking about it.

So, what does this have to do with performance arts? Everything!!!
You have all but seconds to win over an audience. Sure, you can redeem yourself if you're lucky later on, but it's a nightmarish war between your intentions and the audience's perceptions.

Every performer needs an introduction. Not necessarily your traditional, "Please welcome to the stage Ben Dover and his band the Buttplugs!" but an introduction, nonetheless. Below you'll find a handy reference of different introduction types to suit your fancies and introductorial fetishes.

1. Traditional. - See Above paragraph -
2. Intermittent. You start off your show with no formal introduction, usually something set to music, and can set your character or mood easily. After a short time, an intro is then given, such as: "BLAH BLAH MUSIC AND STUFF - PAUSE - I wish to welcome you to a world of power and wonder, where gophers explode and penguins collide. Sit back and enjoy the bewildering performances of: Weirrdo!"
3. Radically Informal. As simple as it gets. Anywhere during the first few moments of your show/act, it is stated or implied: "Hello Everyone, I'm Shawty Swappin and this is the World's Ghetto Mall of Mystery!" Continue with el performance.

There are a few examples to tickle your cerebellum. Now, how do you really apply or create an intro that will do more good than harm?
Any introduction (as well as at least 98% of any performance) should be scripted. You need to know exactly what you are going to say, express, or portray and can work it in your sleep. The introduction is important enough to do it! (The whole show should be, but people judge you more strongly on the intro and the ending...). You need to have words that will work towards your goal as a performer.
For example, if you do a show that is mystical and creepy, you shouldn't have an intro that is giddy and happy, referencing cute bunnies and unicorns of giddiness. In turn, if you have a happy show, you shouldn't start your show with a brain-seeking lawyer zombie craving the blood of republicans. (Sorry Republicans. If that offends you, replace the word "Republicans" with "Democrats").

Lucky for you who don't write intros, there are lots of stock intro lines you are welcomed to use. Just don't use them more than once per intro, and it shouldn't come out like total crap.

Common intro phrases:
"We've got a great show for you tonight."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, blah blah blah,"
"Over the next hour/half hour/sixty minutes we'll take you on a visual roller coaster, complete with the ups, downs, and the annoying random stops in the middle of the track."

Tweak them to fit your needs.


Putting it all together!

Things to include in an introduction:
1. Thanks for attending
2. Who you are
3. Where you are from
4. What you are doing for the show
5. Acknowledge sponsors, if any
6. Thank the venue / host
7. Wish the audience to enjoy the show.

That's it!
So, without further adieu, here is an actual intro from beginning to end.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for coming out to the 5th Annual Pancake Death Festival! My name is Aaron Stone, and I'll be your guide throughout this magical evening. I come from a small town you've never heard of with a population less than that of your average nightclub. Over the course of the next half hour, we'll all see some hilarious things. From death-defying card tricks to amazing sleight-of-hand publicity stunt escapes, the next thirty minutes of your life will be a jam-packed fun time. Remember, there will be no camera tricks, and no one here will die that you cared about anyway...so, without further adieu, the Founder Tiger's Club proudly presents, ME!"

The lights flash, the music cranks up, and the show begins with a high energy.
Poof. Amazing.

I hope you've made sense out of all this. If you've made it this far, your reading skill has increased by 1+ point.

Remember, people are watching...and argue as you will, you have one chance for an audience to like you.

~Aaron Stone