As promised...

Here it is the 6th (Shhhh I won't tell if you don't) and now for the little surprise I promised.

As some of you know, I was writing for Street Magic Magazine for about three issues. (Which equals 6 months. Math is hard.) I never actually saw one of the issues until number 3 and I was shocked to find that they were editing my rants and adding stuff to them I didn't say or wouldn't say in that particular form. So far a lot of people have been surprised that my ramblings had valid points. I suspect I was dropped from the latest issue (As they have not contacted me in ANY way) is because I wasn't doing what they wanted my writing to do... and that's piss people off. Apparently people just couldn't argue with what I was talking about.

Yes kids, my writing like a raving magical Hunter S. Thompson was intentional. (or Spider Jerusalem if yer hip like that) However since they changed my stuff, (Which is funny cuz' at the very top, it said it was un-edited. I found spelling mistakes in the stuff that THEY added. Go fig.), over the next 5 days I am going to post, one a day, of my orignal rants in their orignal widescreen format. These have not been modified to fit your TV, nor will they cater to your delicate sensibilities and there are NO special features. Just think of these like those 5$ DVD's you find at Wal-mart. The price you love, with nothing extra thrown in.

Why am I stuck In Magician Hell? #1
Written by: Bizzaro. The Optical Illusionist
"The true meaning of street magic - yes Virginia, there is an Asshat."

Greetings and Salavations bottom-feeders. Some of you are familiar with me either thru the internet and my online rant journal or have seen me perform. Perhaps a video or even live. I will never win a magic competition cuz' I refuse to traumatize avian life or wear rented formal wear. Doubtful you will see me in any OTHER magic magazines or magic conventions anytime soon. I'm what some have referred to as a rebel. The Gomez Addams of magic if you will. With over two decades in this business, more than half professionally, I have seen a good deal of great and terrible things. However this isn't about me. It's about you.. and if you are willing to listen to what i have to say here every month. I'll let you in on what this column is gonna be about. First it's not gonna kowtow to ANYONE or ANYTHING. Anything except my opinions. As you may have heard, opinions are like.. well you know.. everyone has one. I'm entitled to mine as you are yours. I'm not trying to piss off anyone.. but guaranteed I am going to do it. It's what I do. Now that we have all of the formalities out of the way, let's begin...

I am not going to sugar coat what I say. I will not take your feelings into consideration. I am going to lift up the shiny pyrite rock that is the magic community. I'm going to point out the seamy underbelly of what many people, not ingrained with magic's inner workings, think is a shiny little coin they might find in the street. Like some coins tho' this denomination has two faces. (like other denominations I will not mention here) On one side we have the professionals. People who make a good living at this by elevating magic to what some might call an artform. On the other side we have the armchair magus. You know the kind. Your Uncle Bob, the guy at your office, the local bartender, that fat annoying kid at school... YOU! Fully willing to dish out their "life experience" in an online forum. Of course the only thing making them an authority is they do birthday parties on their days off from their mundane normal jobs. Ah but if that were the only inhabitants on this flip-side. You also have the susceptible teenagers and pre-teens bombarded by modern TV specials with people who want you to believe they are a god. Sit down and prepare yourself. This is where our first rant will begin.

First I do want to preface this with that henceforth all references to David Blaine in all of my writing will be as "The Asshat". Deal with it.

Many of you are probably too young to remember magic on TV before the late 90's. From the 60's to mid 90's there was a glorious variety of stage magic on TV. Elegant and weird spectacles of all types were brought to you in broadcast colors every few months. From Coppi the sex wizard to The World's Greatest Magic, there was much to see. Even the close-up magicians were larger than life on grand sets and pretty lights. Then in 1998, that era was murdered and it's frail corpse raped right in front of a cadre of choir boys. The Asshat changed it all. Now we have... street magic.

Don't get me wrong. I like street magic... when performed as street theatre. (A term most true street performers prefer) Street magic is NOT walking up to total strangers with a deck of cards looking like an unemployed mental patient. At that point it's street hostage theater. Very difficult to make money doing that (For tips anyway). You want to see REAL street magic, get off the internet and go somewhere like San Francisco or New Orleans (Well maybe not so much anymore) or even parts of New York. Educate yourself before you place that Ellusionist order for their next overpriced DVD. Street magic has existed well before you or anyone else was on TV. Before even most of today's modern religious beliefs as well. Hell a lot of religions have been started by no less than a dove pan. (Isn't that how that Waco thing started?)

ANYONE who tries to sell you a magic product by using fad buzzwords like "Street", "Extreme", or "Tiger Deck" should be beaten to death with their own arm. The good one too. Not the one they hold their crotch with while doing their variation of the cobra cut. Nope you gotta get to the root of the problem. Go after the important appendage. Their spendin' hand. The one that causes them to purchase these overpriced DVD's or one trick ponies that flood the market everyday. Those little fingers, that by every click of the button, keep these soulless leaches in business. This isn't a new thing either. The same problem has existed since the magic catalog was invented. You know, those archaic drawings, the text promising you miracles, and radiating lines shooting from their huge heads? In today's world however, web-space has been traded for paper. HTML for print.Today it's all flashy editing, annoying rock or emo music, and your dumb ass willing to keep contributing to this barrage of cheap products released by people who have more money than morals.

Don't like someone calling you stupid do you? Well if you believe everything you see on TV or read on the internet without doing your homework, then you are. Just cuz' mommy and daddy don't hug you, no one understands you, and you have a ghost deck doesn't mean the world or ANYONE you harass on the street owes you ANYTHING. No one on TV is your friend. They don't understand you and if you happen to be a cripple or dying, they are helping you cuz' that's good PR. Just thought I would throw that out there.

It is true that here in the USA we are not encouraged or rewarded for showing creativity or original thought. Not like in Europe anyway. Street magic is a respected art form over in places like France. So much so, that if you are a citizen you only work three months of the year and they foot the bill the rest of the year to work and practice your art. A grant for being an individual if you will. Even Canada has largely attended busker festivals. You try to go there with your little stigmata tricks or king rising, you will come home wiser and poorer for you wasted efforts.

Magic has lost it's flair and style in the US. No panache. Oh sure, you are saying to yourself, "But I make people smile, I can read minds, I have had people cuss at me and call me the devil. I'm good!" Guess what? Anyone with twenty bucks, a self working deck of cards, and mental midgets as a crowd can do that. Want to impress me and do street magic the right way, put together a 20-30 minute show that will hold people's attention. Make it fun, engaging, and amazing. Not only will you be a better performer than 95% of the idiots that try to "represent" on those message boards you hang out on, but you will never have to work a real job EVER again. I know guys who do 3-4 shows a day and can pull down a grand easily. Can you say that about going out in plain clothes and putting a hole in your forehead with the sun? Do the world a favor and do that with a bullet instead. If you perform that in front of a crowd on the street, you'll be remembered forever guaranteed.

So what about those of you who just like to contribute to magic and only do it as a hobby? Good for you. Do you sell crappy products that look good on camera that you have only been doing for a week or so? Do you use words like "Street" and "Extreme" to sell your wares? If so, I will find you and I will beat you. You know with what too because we have already had this discussion earlier. I guess my point in all of this is: You can either part of the problem, or part of the solution to elevate magic beyond what it has become. I am reminded of a quote attributed to Dai Vernon. (if you don't know who that is, burn EVERY deck of cards you own and put your head thru your computer monitor NOW!) "If the best thing you can do for magic is get out of it, do so." I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

I think that's all I have to say this time around. Are you mad yet? If so, good. Anger and disagreement make you think. Blind useless drivel you concur with does nothing but take up space on a page. You may now put back on your pants and go. Leave the KY here.

Was it good for you?

Bizzaro.