What do you call a guy with no arms, and no legs hanging on a wall?

MAT!!

Get it? Mat.. it's a .. it's a joke. Please put down the weapons. Ok so recently on a magic board I slip in and out of, I saw a talk about a certain type of Close-up Pad. Now I always thought that walking up to a table in a restaurant, whip out a rubber foam mat thing and then perform card and coin magic.

Now to us (magicians) this is a common and natural thing. Mind you to us natural is relative. I personally will learn something that can be done in the air first, then modify it for table use if need be. I never expect to have a nice foamy soft clothlike surface to perform on... and neither should you. All of these great sleights you can do, but only on a close-up pad. Thaz a damn shame that you don't have yer little mat here now and all is this glass table. Amaze me now monkey boy!!

Now the good people can do it anywhere and anyway they want. (like porn stars) However, relying on a rolled up colored little stage seems a bit silly to me. Of course carrying it with you in yer back pocket just screams GEEK to me but then again.. so do most card tricks.

I won't even go into the guys you see at magic conventions on the floor doing shadow coins or any of their many variations. They look great sure, but being on yer knees at perfect fellatio height does NOT make me think professional. I don't care how good you are... learn it on a hard wood table and I will be impressed.

Bizzaro.

Is magic real?

I have been asked this a few times in my life. There is the urge to say, "Yes it is and I am an all powerful wizard. Ignore that man behind the curtain!!" but I can never bring myself to say that. It's unfair to people for us to try and REALLY purvey ourselves as masters of the unknown when people ask. If they assume that's ok. It's like the gutter of a comic book. They fill in the blanks like a fucked up Mad Libs game.

However when the jig is up andthey are asking you that fateful query, "Is magic real" to set their little confused minds at ease what do you say? I mean really. If you say yes then yer an asshole. I know it's our job to fool people and entertain them, but when they wanna be less freaked out and make sure all is right with the world there is no need to OUTRIGHT lie to them. What we do is real in a sense but not in the way people think.

I never have had a GREAT answer to this until now. I don't want something that sounds like a cop out and I sure don't wanna lie to someone about something so out there. How do we get around this you ask? By putting the decision right squarely on them. When they ask that question, answer them as honestly as you can....

It's as real as you want it to be.

Bizzaro.

(Of course if they still ask, "No really is it?" then just tell them yes because they deserve that for pestering you. hee hee)

Are you trying to control me?

A lot of younger magician types are always asking about the best card controls, passes, and the like. Now stay with me on this, but what if there was no passes or double undercuts? How would you control a card? Why does it even mater that much?

We forget that we don't have to be as sneaky as we think we are. Sure you put that card in there. But then you cut the deck all funky. I know he knows where that card is. Now what if you slid that card right in the middle of the deck, no cutting or anything. Now you have something interesting... but only a bit. You see when we force card tricks upon people they know we are gonna, more than likely, find their chosen card. It's not how well we do it, but how we do it. Hunh? Lemme explain.

Card selected, lost in deck, cards thumped, card on top. Mildly amazing, zero entertainment. Now try the same start, but find that card in your zipper. Pretty amazing, funny as hell and unexpected!! Magic is about entertainment, not moves. Sure the pass is effective.. when it's called for. Double undercuts look retarded. Use a top change or slip force as a card control. Who's gonna know? Start thinking like a mundane. Pretend you don't know the world elmsley count, injog, or even shitzu. Why kill yourself working on an invisible move no one is ever gonna see anyway? I think you SHOULD learn the moves, but not rely on them. Open your mind up to new ideas. People don't know what we're doing or even pay attention. It's that last bit you need to work on. I don't care if yer LePaul pass is the best around, if I am not smiling at the end I'm lighting you on fire.

Bizzaro.

David Blaine is an Asshat

You know it's funny. I started this Blog as an idea I gleaned from another mage type guy... ish. (Whose link can be seen on the right. I'm too tired to html it in right now. Bite me.) I have NO clue how many read this. It could be ONE guy it could be 25.. it could be any number of people. I don't advertise it very much because my opinions are very brash and all of my own thinking. (Free thinking is frowned upon in some magic circles.) So that means I have been writing in this thing for almost half a year. (I'm not there yet but I am close.. hmm that sounded dirty.) I don't know if anyone cares what I write, values my opinion, or takes it to heart.. and you know what? I don't really care. This is for me to get these thoughts out of my head and maybe, just maybe, educate someone.. thru the charming power of hate.

So that brings me to tonight's little rant and rave. David Blaine is an Asshat. Yes that's right. The mulatto looking, down syndrome talking, video editing mofo that he is has given certain types of magic a bad name... but only to us. That's right, only the magicians give two tugs of a dead dog's kok about David Blaine or what he does on TV. Sure sleeping in a clear death trap was frowned upon by mage and layperson alike, (There has to be a better word than layperson... I personally always liked "Mundanes"), but his TV shows, books, and god help us if he ever puts out his own salad dressing, sells. Why is this? Is it the fact that he is far more attractive than anyone else. ("Not good looking for the world, but good looking for a magician" - Penn Jillette) Could it be the fact he did something groundbreaking? Could it possibly he has the slimiest pack of production crew I have seen in some time... ummmmmmmmm could be.

I have no problem with this wanker. Never met him. He might be a nice guy. I'll never know. (I am sure the girls that he and Leo double team think he's very nice.) However I think his ideals are misplaced. He uses video editing to omit important parts of a routine. Ok so thaz fine, but don't have someone say, "This is EXACTLY what you would see if you were here right now". It comes off a bit hypocritical. Also the lousy flotation editing... that chapped my ass worse than anal sex. (Mind you I have nothing to compare that to. I am just assuming.) I don't wanna hear from ANYBODY, "Well they were just representing what it looks like to people in their minds". My ass. It's TV. Don't exploit people for your ratings and good name. I know it's our job to lie to people but damn. Have you no morals... or did someone buy them from you for a pretty penny?

Then there is his Hay-'suess complex. Raising the dead, feeding the hungry and poor.. what's next fishes and loaves? There is something evil behind his eyes and you can spot it. In his first special when he is walking towards a child in the distance. Lighthearted Magician.. or child molesting kidnapper? You be the judge. I think the biggest problem I have is that he glorified street magic as a person to person performance and while you can make money that way, a real street performer either robs you blind with three card monte or gathers a large crowd via a small stage show. Ok so why is this bad you ask? The kids these days. They believe what they are told more now than ever. TV, internet, and print has more hold on their reality than ever it did. They think this is the way to perform street magic. There was once a time when this was no big deal. Kids doing shabby magic for a birthday party or skool show. Not a lot of harm done that wasn't already there. Now it's gone to the streets. Out in public places, approaching people dressed like a street bum trying to freek them out. David Blaine gets away with it cuz' HE has a video camera and production crew. You are emulating that which you do not have and also what you do not know. It takes YEARS of practice to perform a trick for someone, and only a few seconds to ruin it for all the rest of us. Please stop sucking in public. Take it indoors away from everyone else. Stop believing everything you see on TV and the net. Research things, educate yourself, and PAY THE HELL ATTENTION TO THE WORLD AROUND YOU!!!

You're not David Blaine which means yer not an Asshat. You don't wanna be an Asshat do you? I didn't think so...

Bizzaro.

Gee if I am gonna get accused of something I might as well do it right? Recently I decided to ask the boys over at www.superhandz.com about a thing they do with fire in one of their videos. They retorted with something along the lines of "Why should we support someone who doesn't support us?" and accused me of constantly bashing them on many magic forums. Funny thing is I don't recall doing this.. especially constantly. I went back and looked at any of the places I post a lot, and found ONE post about how well this guy De'vo did his music and video editing. I recall making a remark somewhere about not caring for a video about nothing but flourishes as it's not my style. (I prolly made a remark about it being magical masturbation too... but tell me it isn't.. seriously?) However I can't find that post ANYWHERE!

So when I told them I didn't know what they were talking about, (Including a true statement about it not being a ploy, I really didna know what the hell they were talking about.), they replied with a rather snide comment about playing games and me having amnesia. They also included a remark about not talking to me about it anymore. Thus I emailed them back once more to tell them I think they're BS was unfair and un-professional and good luck to them. They of course in turn only emailed me back to say good luck as well.

Ok so this is what I gleaned about whoever this Lars guy is.. One, he is the type who has to get the last word in. Two, he and his gang of finger goobers obviously think they are hot shit cuz' they can light cards on fire and spin card fans underwater. (hey got news for you, it's not as impressive since they stick together being made of paper and all of that.) Three, they think that one or two comments exclaiming my point of view is constantly bashing someone in multiple forums. So basically they sit on the internet to pimp their products and monitor forum conversations closely.

I try to make this thing as little about me as possible, but this one time I had to speak my mind and also say this...
If you little wankers think that yer hot because the only talent you have is making up extreme card flourishes, come to my town and talk shit to my face. Easy to hide behind a computer screen and make accusations isn't it? Have fun in yer narrow minded little land and if you want to accuse me thaz fine. After this post I fully expect it now. At least you have a reason yah tossers.

That outta do it. So allow me to say don't go to their website (Which I will not link to) and do not buy their products because one person with a big head has spoken for all of them. Obviously a very important person..... whoever he is?

Bizzaro.

Ok so normally this is about magic but today it's about fire and the wacko's who play with it. Mind you I am not discounted from this, but what I do is different and I'll tell you why. (Yah sure it's a magic page, but it's my magic page so bite me.)

A lot of people do fire in two ways. One is fire eating, fire breathing. The other is called poi or staff. There is technically a third too. These are the people who make toys that light on fire such as big metal fans, claws, or somesuch and just kinda dance around with them. Many of these people are what one might refer to as pyro's. They like to light stuff on fire as well as play with it. These are the people who get SO into it they think about it in a deeper sense waaaaaay too much. Some might call it obsessed. (Others might just call it having issues)

Sure we use a lot of fire, but we use it for the sole purpose of entertaining others and putting on a good show. The problems arise when these other people start trying to teach other people how to play with fire. Usually having just learned it in the last 6 months they start showing other people. I'm sorry ,but in 6 months or even a year you are NOT gonna learn all the little nuances that go into fire performance and safety. If I teach anyone, I show them not how, but WHY it works. Also what fuels to stay away from, how to store it, and all the safety that should go into fire handling so you don't fuck up and burn yer face off. So please, if yer a pyro don't teach others unless you are damn sure yer not gonna get them and you killed. Thanx.

Bizzaro.

Novelties? You know a novelty store here carries sexual toys because in TX yah can't sell Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel-does... unless they say cake topper on them. I live in a strange state yah know? Not just denial either.

It seems a damn shame that in today's society certain "Attributes" will get you more noticed than others. Perhaps it's the fact yah got no legs. Maybe yah have two heads. Hell, it could even be something as simple as just having breasts. Now while some of you may think that last one is not a novelty, it depends where you are. In a prison yer very popular. Now picture those same inmates in tuxedos. Now put them on a stage. I think you get the point. If yer a girl doing magic you are indeed a novelty. Sad as it may be, you can either try and fight it or embrace it.

Ok so you don't have to embrace it, wrap yer legs around it, and then start grinding on it like Melinda did. However, if you know that is why you will be hired and not because of your original material or stage personality give it time. All novelties wear off. Once the afterglow goes away and if yer good enuff and strong enuff, then only YOU will remain. The fact you have mammary glands will not mean a damn thing. If yah got it.. flaunt it. But flaunt it wisely.

"It's ok to be manipulated, as long as you know yer being manipulated." - Drake Mallard

Bizzaro.

How do you dress your stage? Not like in crenoline or velvet yah silly people. What are your props aside from your tables? Do you have items that are all your own? Things that make you recognizable? If not.. think about it. Let's talk continuity. Do your tables, props, costume, music, and assistants all fit in to your show.. or is it a mishmash of oddly colored boxes and store bought wal-mart brand dress? Repaint them boxes, have someone with taste tailor make your performance outfits and for the love of god stop playing that Bon Jovi song to do rope magic to... and while yer at it get a haircut yah pansy!!!

Ok ok seriously, let's talk about your helpers. Are they just.. kinda... there? Could you say your assitants are part of your show.. or just props? Let's face it just because a person has arms and legs does not make them have a personality. If they are just there to bring you things, hold trays, and do your bidding then they are as good as a table with wheels to you. Make them part of the show. Give them, (And while yer at it, yourself), a personality. People enjoy something they can relate to on a personal basis way more than just a guy in a baggy suit producing livestock for cheap applause. (I got news for you buddy, they are applauding that rabbit... not you.) So don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.. no wait.. don't let your show fall into mediocrity because you don't have a clue. Get one... and a haircut.

Bizzaro.

Till' Death Device do us part...

Relationships and magic. A touchy subject whot? Will you get involved with a gal who TOLERATES what you do? Perhaps find solace with someone who wants to learn. (Good luck on that one) Did you find your wife or girlfriend with the express purpose of looking for a new magic assistant? Did you marry your magic assistant?

If you can answer any of these questions then today's post will be relevant to you. I know a great deal of magi who are intertwined with fambly and ankle biters. This places a whole new twist on your life. More money is needed for mouths to feed. More space is needed for more crapola. Those dreams of a world tour.. most likely GONE!!! Generally your significant other will become part of your business whether they like it or not. From wardrobe, to business, to talent, you never know. Of course in some cases your kids will be part of the show too. Magic is a family affair... which can be a bad thing in some cases.

We use or loved ones because why? Thaz right they are cheap labor. They work for love... SUCKERS!!! However this leads to problems. Marital bliss spiraling down? Looks like you need a new assistant (or stage manager, or seamstress, or.. whatever.) Accidentally hurt them onstage? Yer ass is sleeping on the couch tonight. It's tough to work with the ones we see naked on a regular basis. Ok so that is if they work for us/ with us... now what about the girlfriends.. BEFORE you commit yourself.

Sometimes we use magic to attract others. (like a fan of cards is equal to a peacock's tail feathers or something?) It's an ice breaker and confidence builder. Lowers defenses and humor acclimates anyone quickly. (Assuming yer funny and not just funny looking.) However once the novelty wears off, thaz when they start in with "Why don't you get a real job?" or something like that. Ah yes, so much for the afterglow. If anyone ever asks you to get a real job and stop that silly magic stuff or they are leaving, tell them to pick a card and then say, "Was yours the don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out"? and wave goodbye with a card fan. A good significant other is supportive of your dream and not selfish to their own. Let's face it artists are not easy to date and it takes a LOT or patience to even wanna consider being with a magician for long periods of time.

So the moral of today's story is don't date anyone who doesn't like what you do or just simply "puts up with it". Also if you plan on having a serious magic career DON'T have kids. Not until you can support a fambly. Seriously. I have seen too many go down that path.. and now that path is strewn with bills and not magic. I'm just here for your own good..

Bizzaro.

Sure I don't post that much but trust me you would get pretty sick of me rambling on over and over again about nothing.. so I wait until I have something to say. Today's subject is that on getting away with stuff. By stuff I mean magic and by magic I mean mostly, but not limited to, card tricks. So if you like cards read on, if you like coins.. stick around there is some other stuff at the end.

So check it, David Regal.. a very well known card guy, is technically only an amateur magician. Yah!! He actually has a REAL job!! He is a comedy writer. Magic is a supplemental income. (Because let's face it even comedy writing is held in higher regard as a real job than magic.) Well he is a thinker in magic.. and when I say think I mean this man uses so many pre-set decks that if you were to do 5 of the tricks that really kill on his tapes you would to deck switch about 3-4 times. So regardless of that he is one of them guys who really needs to get out more, but is a damn fine magi.

A while back he released an effect called Sudden Deck. Great idea. Empty card box. Fair enuff. Can we see it from the side to make sure it's REALLY flat and empty? No? Why not? Oh ok so yer gonna unfold it.. wait.. I can't put my finger on it but something about the inside of that box isn't right... hmm.. he must be trying to FOOL US!!! BURN THE WITCH!!! Ahem.. anyway, you get the idea. (And if not watch the bloody video up there.) Now there are two thoughts on this in my head.

The first one is, "Well hell it's magic and no one really notices this stuff anyway right?" Well maybe so. I mean when it comes to blatant moves and ideas I am a big advocate of do it right in their faces they will never notice. Try this sometime, have a person sitting down sign a card, control it wherever, then ask them to stand up. As they do toss the card on the seat they were sitting on. By the time they turn around, it looks like the card appeared under their butt. BUTT MAGIC I TELL YOU!!! So yes take advantage of people's ingnorance.. by all means. However DON'T insult their intelligence.

Someone is BOUND to notice that card box has THREE big sides. Anyone with any knowledge in basic science/ physics will notice that the box swings like there might be something in it. Which brings me to number dose... (I am too lazy to look up the spanish spelling of that word, but I'll type out a sentence won't I? hoo boy lookit me go!!) Why would any thinking person try to be THAT blatant and present it in such a way that looks hokey. I mean sure it works, and it fools people but in the back of their head, in that little puzzle solving bit of the subconscious their Bullshit MeterTM is going off. They dunno where, they dunno when.. but something is not right? Why take that chance? Why have them distracted by that? After this effect was released I worked up a method that you can show front and back. Why don't I market it then? Well for one I am not a money grubbing magic inventor. There is already enuff crap on the market as is to confuse people. (Trust me I know I used to sell a lot of it.)

So um.. for you coin guys.. go..um.. buy my book that has a coin trick in it. Until next time, keep magic simple.

Bizzaro.

ANDREW MAYNE IS A DOG!!!

But only if yer dyslexic.

Ever since magic became popular in the hands of mere mortals, there has been a struggle to make magic for cheap as possible. Let's face it, cut a girl in half for 3 grand or mayyyyybe find a way to FAKE it for 50 dollahs. Thaz right, black art. Cheaper to make, but harder to perform with. Cest' la vie.

Then Darwin's inexpensive illusions book hits shelves in book and video format. Where you can make magic illusions out of kiddie pools and cardboard boxes. Woo!!

Now in the 21st Century we have (Dun dun dunnnn) Andrew Mayne!!! He's an inventor, writer, and movie maker!! He enables the poor, downtrodden, and otherwise un-rich magi of the world have a chance at parlor and stage magic. He is truly a demi-(moore)god.... or is he?

Starting with Mad Mojo, Solo X, and Illusion FX he made a name for himself with books about rational cheap ideas for performance. Then using his evil side, he made Mind FX and Shock Magic (Which was re-released bigger and probably without the spelling and graffics errors. I have the original myself. Haven't seen the new one.) Then he started making stuff like the pocket levitator & sawing in half, bisection, and face lifter. How to float, saw yerself in half, and take off yer head in very cheap ways.

This trend continues to his larger series of things like voodoo box and the newest Light Storm. With all of Andrew Mayne's products themselves you could put on a show that could easily be called "The Cardboard and Duct Tape Show" (Don't laugh we did a show like that once). Hell include the videos and books you have an hour show that you could decorate the stage like a back alley... which in today's society, that could sell.... hmmm.....

Anywho, the biggest qualm with this stuff is half the time there is no motivation or the effect only seems half thought our or half-assed. You would also think that someone with a film background would actually produce some demo videos for his products instead of crappy animated gifs. Could it be because he doesn't want you to see how bloody obvious some of them are? Hrm.. coooould be.

Don't get me wrong I have nothing against him, (Except he won't return emails), I just think he started bilking people when he knew he had made a name for himself by putting out some material that is less than stellar. He's not the only one who does it *cough*SaNkEy*cough* *cough*HeNrY eVaNs*cough* but that don't make it right. Seriously look at the voodoo box effect. Tell me that would fool ANYBODY. Just from the photo. It looks like a box with umbrellas sticking in it. Umbrellas are not that dangerous... but I have never been killed by one.

So basically hats off to you Mr. Mayne, but also a leery eyebrow at you and some of your items. You give poor kids hope for a better and cheaper show. Originality is a great thing, but...

There is always someone bitching right?

Bizzaro.

Who's been slacking off? Thaz right I have!!! Why? Because I am LAZY YOU DOLTS!! THERE I HAVE SAID IT. YOU HAPPY NOW!?

Ahem, I digress. I was talking with some kids the other day about magic, character, and material. I hear from a lot of people that they don't think they can do comedy just because they personally don't think they are funny. Therefore they try to play a straight character but even a straight man can be funny. Costello? Zeppo? Dean? All straight men but funny in their own right.

If you play a character who believes his own hype, but the hype is waaay out there like, "I will use my Jedi powers to make you see THIS!!! (insert amazing card maneuver here)" and you reeeeealy mean it, thaz funny. So just because you don't think you can be off the wall funny/ silly never fear!! There is hope for you yet!

By the way, yes my trip to CA went well. Much waffles to be had, experienced my first paintball game (Hazing is more like it), and visited Le Magic Castle once again and even performed two impromptu shows for fun. Do yourself a favor and go before you can't anymore.

Recently saw the Robin Williams HBO DVD. Watch this. Sure he sez about 50 zillion cuss words but fuk it, you only live once right? He is a prime example of the research someone should do into the field of entertainment. Always watch people in EVERY area of your business. Watch the pros at work, not just the magic acts. You just might learn something!!

So until next time it is 6:30 in the AM and I can't sleep, this is Bizzaro saying be true to who you are and go buy some shoddy merchandise!!

Bizzaro.

Ok so I don't update as much as I should however this time I have an excuse. From Wed morn until Mon evening I shall be in Long Beach, CA. I shall return with an update into the seemy underbelly of the magic world as I shall be visiting the magic castle to be sure. So if you want to kill some time go see our brand new Promo Video Updated for 2004.

Also if you wanna amuse yerself head over to Space Slugs dot Com and watch episode 5!!

Toodles.

Bizzaro.

Is there a method to our madness?

I know for a fact there are some tricks I create that work only for the way I perform. My style, demeanor, and body motions. Mind you I think most effects created are like that, but when they try to sell them, it becomes mainstream and loses something. Somethings only make sense in the hands of the originator. Some moves only come off correctly when performed the way they were intended.

So why do we bother to sell our personal moves for people to butcher and hack them to hell? Do we want to be remembered for something like Alex Elmsley? Do we want to be considered a great magical thinker like Eugene Burger? Or is the fact that we just wanna make a big fat buck like Donald Trump? Some moves should stay with who creates them because if it is tailored to their body language. It makes sense.

Bizzaro.

C is for Cookie

Which has NOTHING to do with my post, but I am listening to The Independents version of that song. It's awesome.

Ok so the other day I was talking to someone about how much I really don't like cube zag or hardly any other box illusions. (Which I think perturbed them a bit. I wasn't saying I hate them for doing it, just I really hate that trick. More than I have a major disdain for that damn Interlude illusion.) When I was younger I was all into doing box illusions. Then as someone put it "I snapped" along the way and started doing magic a bit differently and really going against what has been established as what a magician is. So why don't I like box tricks you ask?

Well riddle me this Batman, if you could REALLY cut a girl into pieces or stretch them or crawl thru them or WHATEVER would you really need a big gaudy box to do it? Why not save 3,000 dollars and just do it. Hmmm maybe because it's a TRICK!! GASP NO!! Oh but yes. So now why do I hate the cube zag? Prolly the same reason I hate all the illusions I do. They make NO sense. Oh sure Copperfield tries to justify it by saying stuff like "I had this nightmare once...". Give me a break the only nightmare this guy has is that his cocaine supply runs dry and he wakes up married to Lance Burton. Ok sure you can make up half assed reasons to cut yourself or someone else in half, but what is yer excuse for shoving different shaped tubes thru a box? The only way I can see this is to make it look like a giant version of that square peg in the round hole thing they give to kids to teach them tab A goes into slot B. (We still have trouble with that as the years go on right ladies?)

So I am not saying I hate the magicians who do these tricks I just don't like the tricks themselves. Hell I will still watch them being done especially if it is a good presentation. Only a few magi have had boxes make sense. I wish more would.

But hey magic isn't supposed to make sense right?

Bizzaro.

"What makes you a magician?"

This question was posed on a Penguin Magic forum. Many of the responses were just about how good someone was or how long they do it or if they are a "pro". My response was as thus...

"There is a point here that is being missed methinks. Professional by definition is someone who makes ALL if not most of his living from his job. Now this does not mean you won't GET a real job and do one show every 6 months and still live with yer fambly. No no. You can live on your own doing it.

What does it mean to be a magician? It's not being flawless at your skill. It's not knowing every trick in the book. It's not even being better than other people. (It helps but that is not it.) You use the knowledge you have learned to entertain others and give them an enjoyable experience. You weave many elements together to make something that furthers the art and outlook of what we do."

Now there is a lot missing from this. Tonight me and a magic fiend of mine were discussing this. In today's instant gratification society kids have access to TONS of info none of us EVER had when we started. Even before I started it was even more sparse. No videos, no DVD's or internet. It was a book here and there and you had to follow the teachers around and watch them. They in turn had to watch you to see if you were worthy to teach. Today I will NOT teach someone who is not ready. To apprentice a learned person is hard work. Magic taught me discipline and patience. (Just like martial arts but without all the pretense.)

Today very few have patience nor will they research or try hard to make themselves better. They just go with what they are told or think they know. To quote Billy Barty in Willow: "Forget everything you know, or think you know." Which finger has the power to change the universe. If you can answer this question you are well on the way to being an apprentice yourself. (Of what I don't know.)

To be a magician it takes knowing that you are not one. You are an entertainer. You put together many elements to entertain the masses because JUST being a magician.. is well.. boring. It takes knowing your art and how to use it and how to teach it. A magician is more than putting girls ina box, and producing doves. (I know I know.. how dare I say such things?) Is a dancer someone who JUST dances? Is an artist simply someone who JUST draws? Is a mime.. well a mime is just a mime we'll leave it at that. Is a magician JUST someone that fools people and gets paid to do it? Nay... it is more.

Much, much more.

I'll leave you to figure out the rest.

Bizzaro.

I will let This speak for itself.

Bizzaro.

Mmm high in iron at twice the price.

Someone pleeeeeeese explain to me why there is the trend of people putting coins into one's mouth. Recently it has become a big thing with Mickey Silver and his eyeball scorching Retention Pass. (I.E: it's very good.) It's very unnatural and not very dignified. I can't see Dai Vernon ever doing something like this. (Quite frankly what I have heard about the man he wouldn't have thought much about a lot of today's magic but I digress.) He wore suits, moved slow (not just because of old age), and tried to have an air of refinement. Placing a dirty foreign coin in yer mouth, (I don't mean foreigners are dirty, just their money), is kinda, well.. common. Something David Blaine would do as a common dirty man on the street.

While I am on the subject I think David Blaine's name should be used in the same way actors use the name Macbeth and therefore treated as such. Bad luck if spoken unless otherwise using it in context such as, "I saw David Blaine do this trick on TV and boy did he fuck it up. lemme show you how to do it right." or "Yah I could put my hand thru a window front to steal watches too if I had David Blaines lack of ethics." Regardless.. I digress again. Where was I?

Ah yes, coins in the mouth. Makes no sense to me. This rests right up there with unnatural props and strange hand motions. It also lends itself to my theory of impossible is not amazing. It is a puzzle. "Ok so he put the coin in his mouth and pulled it out of his ear. Either he is as brainless as his choice in clothes OR there is a trick to it. I wonder if I can figure it out." We all know there is no tunnel from the throat to the ear big enough for a coin. It must be magic right? But.. there is no such thing as magic right? Quite the conundrum aye?

I think my point is I sure as hell won't be pretending to eat any coins anytime soon. I know where my money has been... and it's dirty.. oh so dirty.

Bizzaro.

Time to bitch. I know what a shocker. Let's take a look at hocus-pocus' new stuff shall we? (Bad elevator music plays) Woo let's pick on This first. A real functioning metal detector. Wow I bet this just is GREAT for walking around restaurants. Great opener. WEEeeeeeeeooOOOOOOooooo "Egads I have found some metal at this table. What that sir? You say it's the plate in yer head? Can Is tick this magnet to it? No sire stay seated what are you AUGH!! MY FINGERS MY LIFE IS RUINED.. NO MORE SEX FOR ME!!"

Yah a metal detector that makes a child lazer gun or barnyard noises just screams respect and cool doesn't it? Why do people put out these props that they create for themselves and then decide to make money off of it. It would be like me releasing my rose thru the hand effect. It was made for my act in mind. Anyone else doing it just because it looks cool is doing it for the wrong reason. If I convinced enuff young penguin magic kinda kids they needed it they would buy it. However it would become magic closet fodder after a while when they realized there as no practical use for it for their character. Very few demented magi's out there really. Too many effects get released in the name of the almighty dollar. When they are made for one certain person and get marketed for everyone it loses that original presentation flair and becomes another trick that could readily get exposed by a poor performer.

Regardless, I suppose my point is that a metal detector is a dumb idea. Then again so is this.

Bizzaro.

Posted on a sideshow message board but it applies here too.

After being in the entertainment business for a very long time, (Not as long as some but thaz life isn't it?), and seeing egos clash and backstabbing and asskissing and all of that fun stuff that makes the entertainment industry annoying and great at the same time I wanna say a few things. First I have never understood why many of the performers I meet are complete pricks. If they aren't it's because they think they can use you or yer skill to their advantage. I suppose popularity makes you feel all important and all of that crap but some seem to lose sight of why they do what they do. Just because yer a freek as it were doesn't give you the right to try and be a complete outcast to your fans or the places that hire you. Woo yer special you stick pins in yerself, regurgitate, lay in spikes etc etc (Not a personal attack on anyone just a generalization).. so what? Yer still a person and should act as such. Just because you got personal problems doesn't mean you can take it out on others and if you feel so damn high and mighty maybe you SHOULD be taken down a peg or two and remember what it's like to be human again. Don't believe yer own press kit.

Then we have these guys who have been in the business so long be it magic, sideshow, whatever who are so jaded they think they are always in the right because they are older and have "Experience". Sometimes thaz not all you need. An open mind is good too. Maybe some common sense and the willingness to accept that there are differences in people and the world is changing. There is a market for everything, if you can find it and make them believe they need it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion just as I am here so stop bickering, name calling, pointing fingers and letting yer damn egos get the best of you. Defending yerself is one thing, but beating a dead horse is.. well amusing in some countries but not here. Professionals you say? Act like it.

"Arguing on the internet is like racing in the special olympics. Even if you win, yer still retarded."

Bizzaro.
www.smappdooda.com

*This message brought to you by a guy with too much free time and a strong venomous opinion. If you don't like it tough. Thaz life. You have yer views I have mine. Don't tell me mine are wrong and yours are right. It doesn't fly. It's just the way it is. Thank you goodnight. Tip yer waitress.. over.*